Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share this Whole Hearted Parenting column!

Several moms have inquired recently about changing the narrative around compliments given to their daughters.  Focused entirely on their child’s appearance, compliments such as “She’s so pretty!” happen at the grocery store, the mall, and daycare or school.  They are issued by friends, teachers, family members, and strangers. The concern is that their daughters may over-identify with their appearance or internalize the message that what is on the outside is more important than other characteristics such as courage, kindness, and determination.  There is a narrative history around appearance that is limiting for girls, and it deserves a conscious interruption.  

What is the most effective way to both change the narrative and let our daughters know that they are much more than their looks? 

The best place to begin is with you, the parent.  Beginning with your own personal inquiry will shape your choices about your response.  It will bring clarity to your purpose.  During your personal inquiry, you will learn more about yourself and your values so that you speak confidently from that place.  Participating in this self-discovery is one way that our children gift us with growth. Here are a few questions to ponder: 

1.    Your assessment of beauty. What are your views about beauty?  Do you value and appreciate beauty, or do you deem it unimportant and superficial? Did you have experiences as a child related to your own appearance or to someone else’s that may influence how you are framing your response about your child’s beauty?  Do you recognize your own beauty?   

2.    Identifying your trigger. Do you feel an emotional charge when someone compliments your daughter’s appearance?  If you are triggered by “She’s so pretty”, get curious about what is behind the trigger.  Check out that part of you that cringes, wants to fix, desires to lecture about the impact, or that judges the person complimenting your daughter.  Check out the part that is defending or protecting.  By getting to know that part of yourself, you can respond from an understanding of that part rather than from the part itself.  You will be present when someone compliments your child, giving you flexibility.   

With that flexibility, you may decide that they are simply responding to what is before them – for instance, a stranger not knowing any other aspects of your child’s character and commenting on her beauty – and simply say, “Yes, she is!”  You may decide to add on by saying, “Yes, and she is also incredibly kind (generous, smart, caring).”  Whatever you decide, YOU are speaking from you rather than from that charged part of yourself.  P.S. This process of discovery is not something that you have to do alone.  Talk with a good friend or family member.  Set up a free consultation, and I’ll assist you!  

3.    Avoid futurizing. Is your desire to change the narrative about avoiding an unwanted future?  That could be a future in which your daughter is fixated on her outward appearance; judging others on their appearance; not appreciating other characteristics which make up a complex, whole person; or developing a skewed body image?  If there is a trigger below the surface feverishly working to protect your daughter from an unwanted future, I invite you to revisit step #2 to gain a deeper understanding.   

Know that what your child consistently hears from you is the most important factor, carrying much more weight than the comment of a stranger.  How do you talk about other children or adults?  If you are commenting on someone’s warmth, loving nature, kindness, resilience, or perseverance, your child will see that that is what you value.  Check out how you discuss appearance and your own body. Have conversations in your family about your values, ask your children what values they admire, and create I AM statements to embody those values.  

Changing the narrative around “what girls are made of” is about making the world a better place for our daughters.  It is about creating a world in which they realize their complexity and their value.  It is about girls seeing themselves as far, far greater than their appearance.