Recently, a mom shared with me the challenges she faces when her daughter returns from a visit with her father, with whom she shares custody.  Her daughter has melt-downs, tests boundaries, and is ultra-sensitive.  It is such a regular occurrence that she never makes plans on the evening before her daughter goes to her father’s and the evening after she returns. 

Others have said that during those transitions their children feel sad and confused.  Parents have reported feeling judged by the co-parent for their parenting decisions, leaving them feeling anxious and wondering how their decisions will be interpreted.  Others are dealing with a co-parent who is hostile and threatening. 

With these significant challenges, are there ways to ease the stress and possibly even increase the level of cooperation?  Here are a few suggestions: 

Attune to your child’s nervous system.  Be aware if they are shutting down or moving into a state of action/activation.  Teach your child to be aware of their own nervous system.  Provide them with practices to guide them back into a state of safety.  Talk to them about what feels unsafe or uncomfortable, what they like and do not like about the situation, and how they would like things to be. 

Transitions are challenging even for adults, so have extra compassion for your child as they navigate what may feel very disruptive.  Teach them to identify how they feel, speaking simply about feelings in terms of mad, sad, hurt, happy, and afraid.  It is important to validate their feelings rather than negate or argue with them.  If they say they feel sad, believe them, and let them know that you hear them. 

If your child has a reaction to the transitions, slow down the transition time.  Don’t plan a lot of activities, ask them what would be most comforting for them, and be aware of their need to be powerful in a situation in which they may be powerless.  Allow them to lead as much as possible. 

Be sure to attune to your own nervous system.  If you are on high alert, your child will be, too. 

Rituals are a way to assist your child’s nervous system (and yours!) to return to safety.  Rituals can soothe sadness.  One family set aside a specific day of each week to have a special dinner together.  Attendees included grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all on dad’s side of the family.  They gathered together, cooked together, and played together in support of the children. 

Process any residue from your relationship with your former spouse.  The way that you co-parent your child teaches them about relationships, leadership, trust, power, cooperation, and so much more.  Hopefully, the relationship with your former spouse is cordial.  Sometimes, it unfortunately is not.  

Having a therapist or coach to assist you in processing any issues with your former spouse can clear the way for greater cooperation and enhanced freedom for you.  If you dread talking with them, carry resentments, feel powerless, or feel afraid, please explore those feelings with a professional.  If not, they will influence how you communicate.  In addition, having someone to witness and validate how you feel is a needed support.  Remember yourself in this equation!   

Have agreements.  To co-parent cooperatively and effectively, trust is needed.  Trust can be established through agreements.  Your agreement can include respecting one another, refraining from judging one another, and not talking unfavorably about each other to your child or in front of your child. 

Boundaries are also a part of trust.  Trust is established when we set boundaries and respect each other’s boundaries.  For example, if your co-parent is consistently late to pick up your child, consider a boundary.  A boundary need not be a hard line in the sand.  Instead, it outlines the way that you can be in relationship.  Saying, “You are always late.  Be on time!” is not influential.  Saying, “I feel frustrated, and Mary feels hurt when you are late to pick her up.  Are you willing to be on time or to let me know in advance if you are detained?” will be more effective and will create less defensiveness.  

Avoid talking negatively about your former spouse in front of your child.  Your relationship with your former spouse may not be the most harmonious.  Even so, disparaging your child’s other parent in earshot of your child is incredibly harmful.  What they hear from you impacts them, their relationship with their other parent, and their relationship with you.  Talk to your therapist, talk to a friend in confidence, talk to your attorney.  Your feelings and opinions about your former spouse are adult information that need not be shared with a child, even if that child is an adult. 

Is it safe?  Is it healthy?  If your child is highly resistant to spending time with their other parent or has massive reactions when they leave or return, have conversations with your child about what they are feeling and experiencing.    

If you have reason to believe that your child is not safe in the care of your former spouse, trust your intuition.  If your child tells you that they feel uncomfortable, that their other parent did something harsh or highly punitive, or even if something simply feels off, talk to your attorney or the appropriate authority if a conversation with your former spouse isn’t an option.   

Your child’s safety and well-being are the highest priority.  As much as you may value your child having a relationship with their other parent, if it is an unsafe or unhealthy situation, consider the cost to your child’s well-being.  If your child is required by your custody agreement to visit their other parent, set boundaries if at all possible, discuss options with your attorney, and provide emotional support for your child. 

There is so much more that can be written about this, including assuring your child that you are dedicated to them, and if true, that you and your former spouse are a team dedicated to raising them even though you may not live together any longer.  Set your focus on your well-being, your child’s well-being, and on building the best team that is possible.