Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our Whole Hearted Parenting column here on our blog!

Gossip – talking about someone behind their back – undermines trust, which is the foundation of all relationships.  Simply watch a few episodes of Virgin River on Netflix to see how it impacts the relationships in that small town.  People get upset, communication is skewed, anger is fueled, and both time and energy are wasted.  People do not respect the boundaries of others, getting into one another’s business and trying to “fix” things without permission.  Without fail, it fails.  Episode after episode and season after season!

Your child is going to be exposed to gossip, and they may come to you talking about their sibling or a friend or their teacher.  They may share a behavior that they didn’t like.  They may let you know a bit of “talk” that is floating around at school about another student.  What are the best ways to guide your child towards a resolution of an issue with someone else rather than talking about what the other person said or did?  How can you let your child know the impact of gossip on them, on the other person, and on the relationship?  Here are some ideas.

It begins with us as parents.  We teach by example.  Our children are watching and absorbing.  If your child hears you talking behind someone’s back, sharing gossip, or complaining about the other person, they will follow your lead.  Let’s clarify that there is a difference between talking to someone else about how to handle an issue with another person and talking about that person behind their back.  In the former case, you are talking about how you feel and are seeking assistance in deciding what action to take if any.  In the latter, you are talking about what the other person did, and your words are usually laden with judgement, blame, and criticism. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, wrote, “When you’re impeccable with your word, you never betray yourself. You never use the word to gossip about yourself or to spread emotional poison by gossiping about other people.”  As parents, we can practice becoming impeccable with our word so that our children will learn to be impeccable with their word as well.  This is a practice where we all may make many mistakes; however, recognizing when we are gossiping and changing our own behavior in that moment is a lesson for ourselves and our children.  We become more impeccable by stopping ourselves, deciding how to cleanly handle it, and following through with our decision.  It is powerful to say to your child, “Wow, I just realized I am gossiping.  I would like to stop talking about Mary like this.  It doesn’t feel good or solve anything.”   Then say three things that you love or like about Mary. 

If your child comes to you talking about someone else with whom they have a problem, shift the conversation from the other person to what is happening within them.  How do they feel about what happened?  How would they have preferred it to have turned out?  What would they do differently the next time?  Is there an action that would make things better? 

Problems get resolved when talking with the person with whom we have the problem.  Guide your child to do so, which may mean helping them with the words to use.  If they have seen you do this, it will be a smoother shift for them to do it, too.  And it can be done with kindness and respect.    

If your child shares gossip with you, identify the conversation as gossip so that your child will understand what gossip is.  Then shift the conversation by asking some of these questions:

 ·     How do you feel talking about them like this? [Gossip doesn’t feel good!]

·     How would you feel if someone were talking about you behind your back? 

·     How will you feel when you see them again? 

·     Will you feel closer to them or more distant?” 

These questions are asked from a place of curiosity to guide your child without judgement or criticism.  You can also simply say, “I don’t feel good talking about your friend like this.  Is there something that you would like to talk about directly with them?”

Guiding your child to avoid gossip, to resolve issues directly with the person rather than talking about them behind their back, and to set boundaries when needed means that they will be skilled communicators who are impeccable with their word.  This will benefit their sense of well-being and bring integrity of all of their relationships!