When my toddler daughter responded, “No!” to my requests to pick up her toys or to take a bath or to get in the car, I initially drew a blank on what to do.  “No” was not in my childhood vocabulary, having grown up in a military family where the expected response was “Yes, sir!”  Why couldn’t my daughter simply cooperate?  The answer is because she was exercising her toddler power and she didn’t want to.  Other things were more important.  Here is where I learned about power struggles, tone of voice, and influence.  It has been a continued practice, and from that practice, I was better at handling the resistance when she became a teenager. 

As parents, do you want your children to be cooperative?  As a manager or team leader, do you want your team members to be cooperative? As a teacher, do you want your classroom to be more cooperative? To improve our ability to gain cooperation (or to avoid conflict!), we attend all kinds of workshops and courses on effective communication.  We read books.  We listen to podcasts.  What is getting in the way of cooperation in our families, workplaces, and our world?  Why do we choose resistance over cooperation?

I believe that most of us desire to be cooperative.  We desire to be in service and to assist.  There is great joy in adding value.  Like my daughter as a toddler and as a teen, something simply gets in our way or we make something more important in that moment when we could be cooperative. 

For those viewing others – your children, your spouse, your co-workers, your students – as uncooperative, first be clear on your expectations.  Do you desire cooperation or obedience?  If “no” is not an OK response to your request, you may be expecting obedience over cooperation.  Instead of immediately engaging in a power struggle, be willing to move into the discomfort that you may feel when you receive a “no”.  Is your response about respect, how much effort it takes to deal with the person, fear of being judged for a poor outcome, or feeling challenged by their resistance?  It is in that curious exploration that you will discover your beliefs about power and authority.  In pausing to uncover those beliefs, you will free yourself to find the ways to be more influential.  Here is where you can learn about your own leadership.  This is a deep dive, and I highly recommend having a coach to guide you.   

The other side of the coin is that we so often sacrifice an opportunity to cooperate because of the tone of voice used in the request.  We can justify our resistance when the request is made as a demand or if we can define it as “disrespectful.”  We may say to ourselves, “I will only do what is asked of me if they ask in the way that I want.”  That limits us from many opportunities to experience feeling valuable.  It limits us from opportunities to be a part of something larger than ourselves. 

If all kinds of questions about setting boundaries or being taken advantage of are popping up, know that being cooperative can include boundaries. Being cooperative is choosing what is in service to you and others. It is about living from your values.   

By simply seeing that something has gotten in the way of the other person’s willingness to be cooperative or that something has gotten in the way of YOU cooperating, you can then respond from a place of much deeper understanding. 

To assist you in this discovery, I suggest attending Freedom to Be: An Embracing Life Experience or working with a coach.  The discovery will make your life much more peaceful and full of grace.