Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for allowing us to repost this article from our column.

Growing up during an era in which punishment was the cultural mandate for most parents, my younger brother and I lived under the terror of “the belt”.  It was always wielded by our dad, although our mother might threaten, “I’m going to tell your father”. That put us in impending peril of “the belt”.  I do not remember anything about our behavior.  What I do remember is feeling afraid of my dad. 

The goal of punishment – such as spanking – is to make someone feel bad about what they did or said – so bad that they will never do it again.  When parents choose to punish, they may see a short-term change in behavior.  In the long run, punishment is at best ineffective.  At its worst, it inflicts damage on a child’s self-worth, their sense of belonging and value, their view of their own authority, and their relationship with their parents.  It engenders hurt, defiance, revenge, fear, blame, lying, and even over-pleasing. 

When children are punished, they typically do not give much thought to the behavior that inspired the decision that sent them to their room, grounded them, put them in time out, took away an object, denied them some freedom or activity, or gave them a spanking.  Children are thinking of the punishment.  Children are thinking that mom and dad are mean or uncaring.  Children are feeling isolated, misunderstood, unloved, or not enough.  This does not teach responsibility. 

Eliminating punishment does not mean that parents become doormats.  Parents can step into their own authority – rather than being an authoritarian – and tap into much greater creativity and influence.  There ARE many effective and loving alternatives to punishment, all of which are respectful and build a stronger relationship between parents and children. 

Among the alternatives are revising our perception of our children – seeing their potential rather than labeling them as they may show up in the moment.  We can teach our children the skills for self-regulation, nurturing their social emotional learning.  We can practice and guide our children through the peaceful resolution of disagreements and fighting.  We can use agreements and respectful results that teach responsibility. 

These alternatives allow children to look at their own behavior rather than sitting in fear of the punishment or blaming mom and dad.  Loving approaches allow children to learn the concept of cause and effect.  If they break something, they can repair or replace it.  If someone is hurt by what they said or did, they can make amends.  They learn that responsibility can be rewarding rather than being something to avoid out of fear of making a mistake. 

Loving alternatives to punishment also allow parents to be present, to feel good about their decisions, and to know that they made a difference by guiding their child to greater responsibility. 

My parents were amazing people who believed the cultural message of the times –punishment was needed for children to behave better.  Their choices were rarely punitive; however, those memories of “the belt” – even if used infrequently – still loom large many, many decades later. 

Punishment hurts, and a child’s heart takes the biggest hit.