An inquiry came in recently from a mom who asked how to talk to her child about a friend or sibling who has a disability.  Words have power, so knowing how to speak with your child can broaden their understanding, increase acceptance, and welcome connections between both children. 

Start with compassion.  Compassion is not sympathy or pity, both of which have a top-down view that can teeter on superiority or arrogance.  They sever the connection between two people.  Compassion has an eye-to-eye view of shared human experience and kindness.  Compassion connects people. 

Adoption is not a disability, and it is through the reaction of several birth relatives to my existence that the difference between compassion and sympathy showed up very clearly.  One relative responded with “Oh, you poor thing”.  Immediate disconnect.    Another responded with “It is wonderful to know that a part of Nina (my birthmother) is still in the world”.  A compassionate and welcoming connection.  You can guess who I continued to stay in conversation with. 

Make inclusion and belonging a part of the conversation.  All of us have a need to belong.  How we talk about a sibling or friend with a disability can either include them or “other” them.  

Begin with you.  Be aware of any feelings or discomforts that come up when thinking of discussing the situation with your child.  What, if anything, do you fear about having the conversation?  Are you afraid of making a mistake or of saying the wrong thing?  If you notice any judgements or beliefs that might skew the conversation, process them before talking with your child.  

Only share information that is yours to share.  That is a part of trust.  Brene Brown’s BRAVING acronym includes seven elements of trust, with the “V” standing for “Vault”.  Vault means that “you don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.  I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.”  

This is not about secrecy.  It is about privacy.  Encourage your child to recognize and honor the other child’s privacy around discussing their disability, understanding that they may prefer not to talk about it or explain it.  They may also prefer that others not share information about them. 

Answer your child’s questions with useable and helpful information that is yours to share.  Use the correct terms for any conditions and use respectful disability language.  Many organizations have websites with sections on talking about specific disabilities, and you can search online for “respectful disability language” for insights into the words to use.  Guide your child on the use of respectful language so that they will trust their words without fear of hurting feelings.   

Be aware of the whole child.  Inspire your child’s curiosity about the whole child not simply about the disability.  What are their interests, passions, hobbies?  No one is defined by a single aspect of themselves, including a disability.  A wheelchair or one’s height or the use of a cane does not encompass the full identity of this child, who is a many-faceted, complex, whole human.  This is not minimizing the impact of a disability.  Rather, it is encouraging you to view the child as more than the disability.  

Honor any preferences or boundaries that the child has.  Their friend or sibling may not like to be touched or they may not like any of their equipment to be touched.  They may not want to be repeatedly asked if they need help.  Honoring those preferences or boundaries is respectful.   

Share with your child what to expect.  Like understanding the preferences of the friend or sibling, having clear expectations makes things more understandable for your child.  It soothes their nervous system.  It also means that their responses to their sibling or friend will be helpful rather than limited by confusion or surprise.    

If still in doubt or feeling less than comfortable, talk with a friend, therapist, or coach.  This may be a “first time” conversation, and those first times can be challenging.  Know that your level of comfort will influence that of your child.  Finding a place of compassion backed by self-compassion will assist you in creating an accepting atmosphere for this very important conversation.