Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for their permission to share this article from the Whole Hearted Parenting column.

A memory surfaced during a recent training that I attended.  My dad, in his Air Force uniform, was holding my hand, walking me down an outdoor corridor lined with hibiscus bushes – it was Florida – and into my first day of first grade.  Entering the classroom and seeing the many faces curiously looking at me, I felt blank with no resource of past experience to tap into or fall back on.  I had never been around that many children.  I had never been away from my mom and brother for that length of time.  I had no idea about the protocol in a classroom.  From the perspective of that terrified young part of me, I wish there had been a conversation to prepare me for that moment. 

Conversations – those that prepare, those with no agenda, those that explore feelings, those that share ideas and opinions, those with rich silences – are incredible connectors.  They are meaningful, healthy parts of relationships and of life.  Today, we fire off concise texts.  We have brief phone calls about logistics.  We quickly share ideas with colleagues over Zoom before moving on to the next meeting.  These fast conversations have an impact on our nervous system, and in fact, they may reflect our nervous system!  I say, “Let’s slow it down.”     

It is beneficial for our children to engage in slow conversations.  It is valuable that they experience them and that they see us, their parents, engaged in them.  It is even more beneficial that we have slow conversations with our children. 

When something new is coming up for your child, consider having a conversation to prepare.  I can only imagine the impact of that pre-first grade conversation in which my parents would have explained what to expect, asked how I felt and if there was anything that I needed, and told me how excited they were for me.  Children benefit from knowing how things will look, asking questions, exploring feelings, and understanding their options.  It could be their first time on a plane, an upcoming road trip, a visit to a relative’s house, or going out to eat in a restaurant for the first time in a long time.  As we ease out of the pandemic, a lot of things will feel like “first times” for everyone in your family, including you. 

If something triggers feelings, have a slow conversation to explore them.  Listen with curiosity without trying to fix or make your child feel better.  They are fully equipped to be with their feelings.  Identifying their feelings, recognizing where they are in their body, and talking about what they might need are very grounding.  [This is not about discussing something traumatizing.  That is a different conversation.]   

Consider the fun of enjoying a slow conversation with your child with no agenda in which you both creatively shoot the breeze.  You could tell stories, talk about the strengths of grandparents and what they overcame, talk about pets that you loved, listen to your child’s stories about their friends.  It is OK when things get quiet.  The silence is an opportunity to feel the sacredness of the moment. 

These are the slow moments that make life magnificent! 

Would you like to gain more experience with having slow conversations? Please join me on Saturday, April 9th for the live virtual workshop, “Slowing Down the Conversation”. Click here for more details and to register.