From the moment a child enters the family, parents begin doing for them.  As an infant, a child is totally reliant on that care.  In fact, their life depends upon it.  

As children grow, they can do more for themselves.  In doing for themselves, children learn how capable they are and about their own agency – their ability to be influential in the world and to affect change.  Crawling, walking, and talking are learned through doing.  We support them through our encouragement not by doing it for them. 

It is helpful to be attuned to the times to do and the times to stop doing for our children.  We receive so much value from doing that it is often a challenge to know when to stop; however, there is fallout if you don’t.   

In handing over responsibilities for their own care to your child, you don’t throw your hands in the air and say, “You can handle it on your own now. I’m done.”  You remain engaged and influential as your child becomes a bigger decision-maker and holder of responsibility.  

Here are some guideposts for recognizing the times to turn things over to your child:   

Do you feel resentful or overwhelmed?  If a part of you frequently wishes that your teen lived somewhere else because things are so overwhelming or chaotic, that is a good time to check out where you may be over-doing.  This not only applies to practical things like doing laundry or cleaning up after themselves.  It applies to decision-making.  Are you making decisions or managing situations or making arrangements that are theirs to take care of?  

Are you fixing things rather than asking questions?  If your seven-year-old child is upset that she was not included in a sleepover, put down that phone and avoid calling the other child’s mother.  Instead, make curious inquiries with your child.  What happened?  I wasn’t invited.   How do you feel? I feel sad.  Validate their feelings. I understand.  I would feel sad, too.  What does this mean to you?  They don’t like me. 

As challenging as it is to see your child upset, avoid attempting to “happy them up”, which is another form of fixing.  Instead, explore the story they have created (that they are not liked), what other conclusions they could draw, and then ask how they would like to handle it.  Discuss a variety of options and the results of each choice.  A tremendous amount of learning can happen in this exchange, and your child will feel safe and supported by your engagement.  

Do you find yourself resisting doing something? If you have been making your child’s bed and now feel resistance about doing it, maybe it is time to turn that job over to them.  Resistance to anything, child related or not, is an indicator to pause and check within yourself to see what is going on. 

As your child decides whether to wear the red pants or the blue pants, take joy in knowing they are not only having fun, but they are exercising their “decision-making muscles”.  As your child decides how they want to repair (or not) an argument with their best friend, take joy in knowing that you are contributing to their growth by staying present without fixing it for them.   Your engagement and guidance – not the fixing of it or doing it for them – become the new and enriching places where you experience being valuable.  

Take time each month to consider what you may be doing for your child that they could be doing for themself.  Notice when you may be making decisions or arrangements that your child could make.  Then take the steps to release them into your child’s hands.  You will not only be supporting your child’s growth, but you will also give them the joy of knowing that you recognize just how capable they are!