Someone dear to me shared how she feels not only guilty but almost like a failure as a mom for not getting down on the floor and playing with her daughters.  Even though there are endless examples of all that she does do and has done with her children, a part of her harshly judges herself as a bad mom because of that one thing.  I, too, have felt the sting from our cultural high bar to be an extremely hands-on mother involved in all aspects of her child’s life.  That includes being down on the floor playing, which I may have done twice. 

The weight of maternal perfectionism is heavy in our country; however, children do not need perfect parents.  They especially do not need parents striving for perfection at the expense of their own wellbeing and sense of self.  Children need parents who show up with their humanness and imperfections, with “show up” being keywords. 

In the list of things that parents can do to encourage secure attachment, playing with your child is not included.  Although quality time is one of the five love languages, playing with your child is not a part of that equation either.  For your child, play is indeed paramount.  It doesn’t, however, equate to playing with mom.  If that way of connecting isn’t a fit for you, you can opt out and still be a great mom.  

I spoke with Karen Deerwester of Family Time Coaching & Consulting who said, “Children need space and time to play.  It does not need to be with adults who are pretending to enjoy it.  Pretending is robbing your child of who you are.  Find where you connect with joy.  It could be walking in nature or smelling food together.  There is no reason to pretend.” 

Maria Montessori emphasized “preparing the environment” for children so that they could freely develop and learn.  This not only meant proportionally sized items, such as child-sized chairs and tables, but a harmonious and organized space that invited children to enter and explore.  In the Montessori environment, teachers are guides, and children are self-directed not adult-led.  Home, too, can be an inviting learning environment where parents are guides, not necessarily playmates.   

Karen spoke of the “impossible expectations that we place on ourselves [as parents] and that are placed on us by our culture”.  Respect what you enjoy and honor what you don’t enjoy.  When my mother was under hospice care and I felt overwhelmed with all that there was to do, a friend told me that I didn’t need to do it all.  I simply needed to see that it all got done.  You as a parent don’t need to do it all either, especially if it means pretending.  

To those who get pleasure from getting on the floor and playing with their children, I say, “You go!”.  To my dear one who feels guilty for not getting on the floor with her girls, I say, “You go!”  That is not the measure of great parenting.  Being involved and engaged with your children is highly important.  Engage through what you enjoy!