I haven’t met a parent, manager, spouse, friend, or anyone in any valued relationship who doesn’t want to know what to do in those times when they lose their cool.  You’ve experienced that, right?  Something happens, and you go from calm and centered to activated and chaotic.  Your nervous system has made a big shift!

Your nervous system supports you, sustains you, and keeps you safe. You don't even have to participate. It does its job without your involvement. You keep breathing, your heart beats, you rest and digest, and you are supplied with energy.  It also supports you in times of threat, quickly shifting from a state of calm and ease to one of action, high energy, and mobilization or one of disconnection and collapse.  You may feel dysregulated, highly charged, or shut down. 

To return to calm, you can befriend your nervous system.  Although you don’t directly participate in your nervous system – you don’t tell your lungs to breathe or your heart to beat – you can recognize what is happening in your body and engage in practices that can shift you back into a steady state.

First, be willing to pause before responding.  Notice your body.  Do you feel constriction or expansion?  Do you feel tension or relaxation?  The answer to both questions is probably the former choice – constricted and tense.  At times, I’ve even noticed that my hands are in tight fists.  Pay special attention to your throat, back of your neck, shoulders, chest, and belly.  Take a few moments to breathe, noticing any areas of tightness, “stuckness”, or discomfort. Allow those places to soften and relax.

You can then listen to your nervous system with self-compassion. Kristin Neff, author of Fierce Self-Compassion, and Dr. Chris Germer created three statements that support you in listening in this way. Consider writing these three statements in your own words to assist your nervous system in moving from dysregulation to regulation. 

Recognize the dysregulation. You become a witness or observer, acknowledging what is happening. Kristin Neff used the statement, "This is a moment of suffering." Deb Dana, author of Anchored, used "My nervous system is in a survival response." My statement is, "I feel out of touch with myself and others right now." What is your first statement that recognizes how you feel in this moment? 

See the common humanity in the experience. Recognize the universal experience of dysregulation. You are not alone. Kristin Neff's statement is "Suffering is a part of life." Deb Dana's is "Moments of protection happen to everyone." Mine is "I am not alone in this experience." Please write your second statement that recognizes the common humanity. 

Speak kindly to yourself and invite reconnection without pressure or force. Kristin Neff said, "May I be kind to myself." Deb Dana's statement is "May I bring some ventral vagal energy to this moment." Mine is "I allow myself time and space to return to calm." Please complete your third statement that offers yourself kindness. 

Experiment with the words that work for you.  Then, when you find yourself in a state of dysregulation (angry, threatened, shutting down, wanting to fight or flee), speak your three statements as a kind of mantra and notice the difference they make in your state of being.  At a minimum, they provide a soothing, compassionate pause and a moment of self-reflection.  They also provide the words that you can say to your children when they experience dysregulation.  Those words can become your child’s mantra for returning to calm. 

From this space, you can begin an exploration of identifying the perceived threat in what initially happened.  You may want to do this with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist.   

This is a great beginning to understanding yourself, your beliefs, and your triggers more deeply.  With that understanding, you can more smoothly return to calm and show those you care about how they can return to calm, too.