Our sweet dog, Veronica, died suddenly just four weeks ago.  Following the shock was the transition into life without her.  Grieving is a transition, marked by rolling waves of feelings accompanied by deep cries.  It is disorderly and non-linear.  I miss my big dog beyond belief.   

As Buddhist nun, author, and teacher, Pema Chödrön, said, “Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it.”  A transition doesn’t need to be prompted by the loss of a beloved pet or the death of a treasured loved one, although those are indeed the beginnings of transitions.  We also transition from summer to back-to-school, from one age to another, from having a child at home to having a young adult away at college.  That last one was another big one for me!  We may transition into marriage.   We may also transition through a divorce.  Even a new child entering a family creates a transition for everyone.  There is a transition in changing jobs, moving, getting sick, and getting well.  Pema is so right that things are always in transition!    

Chödrön, wrote in When Things Fall Apart, “Life is a good teacher and a good friend.  Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.”

It is so easy to resist transitions, particularly those in which, as Maria Popova wrote, “we are razed to the bone of our resilience by losses beyond our control — lacerations of the heart that feel barely bearable, that leave us bereft of solid ground.”  We can even resist a shift in our daily routine brought about by travel or a change in schedule.  Routines are safe.  Being out of our comfort zone may not feel safe, and we resist that discomfort!

 The smoothness of a transition depends upon how willing we are to feel the feelings, to lean into the learning, and to dive deeper into the discomfort.  In a culture that tends to define some feelings as good and others as bad and that encourages positivity over fully feeling all feelings, it can be challenging!

Psychologist Susan David explores this in her wonderful TED Talk, The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage.   Judging feelings as good or bad, she says, is rigid.  It does not allow us to develop our emotional agility, and emotional agility allows us to maneuver the twists and turns and ups and downs of a transition.   I love her response to those who say, “I just want this feeling to go away.”  She replies, “I understand, but you have dead people’s goals.  Only dead people are not inconvenienced by their feelings.” 

Here are three ways to keep your transitions full of life and to reap the benefits of moving through them:

Frame your transition as a time of sacred internal exploration.  View it as a blessed time for you, with each step forward being holy.  It isn’t a time to make a feeling or situation go away.  As Chödrön wrote, “We are not striving to make pain go away or to become a better person. In fact, we are giving up control altogether and letting concepts and ideals fall apart. This starts with realizing that whatever occurs is neither the beginning nor the end. It is just the same kind of normal human experience that’s been happening to everyday people from the beginning of time. Thoughts, emotions, moods, and memories come and they go, and basic nowness is always here.”

Understand that discomfort is not a lack of safety.  Things may feel as if they are falling apart or are out of control.  Your discomfort may feel like danger.  Become a mindful observer of what is going on around you, reminding yourself that you are safe.  Notice your body and where the discomfort, fear, or sadness originates.  Susan David said, “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” 

Feel and honor your feelings.  The only way through a transition is to feel.  Feelings enrich your life, and those that are ignored, bottled up, or stuffed away actually become more amplified.  The funny thing is that few of us are taught how to feel our feelings. We are more likely to be encouraged to hide them, deny them, or pretend they don’t exist. 

Coaching can all assist you in learning how to feel your feelings, how to relish them, how to learn from them, and how to appreciate them rather than fear or avoid them.  Understanding the parts of you that show up with feelings big and small can increase your self-acceptance, well being, and sense of wholeness.

Framing your transition as a sacred internal exploration, understanding that discomfort is not a lack of safety, and feeling and honoring your feelings will not only assist you in traversing your transitions but they are also the benefits!