Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our column with you!

Respect has come up in several of the workshops that I have been leading recently.  Many folks shared that feeling disrespected had been a big trigger for them leading to power struggles and conflicts.   What does respect mean to you?  Is it the tone of voice someone uses when speaking to you?  Does it mean cooperation when you make a request of your child or someone at work?  Is being respected a trigger for you in your relationship with your child? 

Respect has been defined as “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others”.  Many concepts come up around respect including trust, boundaries, acceptance, being heard, disagreeing while honoring the other person, and feeling safe.  Clearly respect is complex and personal.  If respect becomes a trigger for you, here are a few ways to create greater understanding and harmony. 

Check out the balance in your trust account.  We have a trust account with each person with whom we interact.  You have one with your children, siblings, parents, spouse or partner, colleagues at work, dentist, and so on.  Like a bank account, your trust account has a balance, debits, and credits.  We add credits through listening, empathizing, making eye contact, hugs, spending time, returning phone calls, giving gifts, honoring feelings, respecting boundaries, and in many other ways.  We debit the trust account in many ways as well including minimizing, ignoring, yelling, criticizing, hitting or spanking, withholding love or physical affection, and not telling the truth.  Is the balance in your trust account high or low?  If it is low, consider making some deposits.  A low trust account means that things might not feel safe for one or both of you. 

Notice how you are operating with the other person.  What is the tone of voice that you are using when you speak with them?  Have you been respectful with them, accepting them where they are, being trustworthy, and honoring them as you notice your differences?  If not, check out what is going on within you.   

You can begin that inquiry by asking yourself if it is current or historical.  For example, I felt triggered when my daughter said, “No!” to me when she was a toddler.  It is developmentally appropriate for her to be practicing her “no” at that age so why did it have such an emotional impact within me?  I was raised in a military family where obedience was valued.  As a child, it didn’t feel safe for me to disagree with my parents or refuse a request.  With that historical belief, my daughter’s refusal felt like disrespect.  After unpacking that belief, I understood the developmental nature of her response and that it had nothing to do with respect or with me.  Afterwards, her refusals felt totally different.  

Ask yourself if a boundary is needed.  Sometimes a clear and kind boundary stating how you are willing to connect with the other person is the best next step.  If someone is consistently late, which can lead to feeling disrespected, a boundary statement may look like, “I feel anxious when I am going to be late.  I prefer to leave at 10:30 a.m. so that we arrive on time.  Are you willing to honor that?”

Feeling respected is important for everyone. It feels safe, you feel heard, and it enhances your sense of belonging. Feel disrespected is a time for learning about yourself and possibly setting a boundary. Get curious about what is going on for you!

If you would like to explore this topic further, please consider coaching or our upcoming live virtual workshop, Gaining Respect without it Being a Trigger.