The human nervous system is miraculous.  It does incredible things for us without our conscious awareness or involvement, keeping us breathing, resting, and digesting.  Keeping us alive.  

Your nervous system also alerts you to threats, constantly assessing if you are safe.   Stephen Porges, who developed Polyvagal Theory, calls this “neuroception”, our “internal surveillance system”.  It clues you in to what is happening within you, outside of you, and between you and others. 

The “between you and others” is often overlooked, and it is a major player for parents.  Because we are wired for connection and because our children need co-regulation (initially for their very survival), an awareness of the “vibes” we have between us and others is vital.  

For so long, our minds have been venerated over our bodies, including our hearts.  Our bodies were considered primitive, and our hearts were considered untrustworthy and flighty; however, your body and heart are rich resources.  In fact, to befriend your nervous system, the access point is your body.  You slow down, pause, and listen to your body. 

You inquire within: How spacious do you feel inside yourself?  What is happening with your shoulders, stomach, hands?  Are you settled and comfortable, ready to run out of the room or fight, or experiencing shut down?  What are you feeling and where do those feelings reside in your body? 

Why is it important for parents to befriend their nervous system?  Because the state of your nervous system – connection, action, or shutdown – influences how you respond to your child.  This in turn influences their nervous system, impacting how your child will learn to regulate themself and even how they attach.   

A response to your child from a place of safety will land much differently than an activated reaction.  Activation from you promotes activation or shut down in your child, resulting in less listening and more yelling. 

When you are in a state of connection and safety, you can invite a dysregulated child into your bubble of regulation.  Knowing how to stay anchored in safety, you will be less inclined to enter their bubble of dysregulation and more inclined to be that safe, steady place for them to land.  Your child can co-regulate with you.  

Your child is not the proverbial threat of a saber-toothed tiger waiting to pounce.  Yet, your child’s behavior – ignoring you, refusing requests from you, acting in ways that land as disrespectful, doing risky things – can feel like a threat to your safety on some level, igniting you into activation. 

Befriending your nervous system means turning with curiosity toward the threat.  That may seem counterintuitive.  We don’t normally jump at the chance to look at what feels unsafe or dangerous.  We want to ignore it or make it go away; however, that curious inquiry provides an opportunity for growth.  

It allows you to discover what instigates the lack of safety when your teen creates chaos or your toddler gives a determined “no” to your request or your child rolls their eyes.  Those behaviors do not appear to be a threat to your safety, and yet, on some level they hit your nervous system like they are. 

With the discovery of the threat, you can address your child’s behavior from a space of connection and safety.  In that space, you have the bonus of being much more influential.  You avoid reacting from an activated part of you that has hijacked your system and from which you are considerably less influential.  

Befriending your nervous system means becoming grounded in calm and connection.  It means becoming a safe harbor for your child as they experience the volatility of their young nervous system.  Befriending your nervous system means that your body, heart, and home become a welcome refuge.