Before our daughter was born, I had a list of things that I did not want to do as a parent.  I would not spank or threaten to spank.  I would not shame or use guilt.  I would not yell.  I would not request that my child tone it down or play small.  I had my “to do” list as well, that included listening, acceptance, belonging, respect, and holding the space for her to grow and become herself in her time.  These lists were my guides, keeping me on track when I got off track.  Then one day, I said something to my daughter that stopped me in my tracks. 

The words that exited my mouth sounded like a foreign voice that was also vaguely familiar, some ancient echo.  I was stunned!  Finally, it hit me – those words had been spoken to me by my father.  His outside voice had become a part of my inside voice.  Resting dormant, it had come alive in that interaction with my daughter.  This is how trauma, shame, and a sense of unworthiness can be transmitted intergenerationally.  The things our parents say to us stay with us.  This includes not only words said harshly or with a charge that hurts our hearts, but words of acceptance and encouragement and love. 

If you have ever said, “I sounded just like my mother” or “I morphed into my father!” you know what I mean.  If you’ve said something that you regret, like I did, it isn’t time for self-criticism.  It is time for a U-turn fueled by curiosity.  It is time for reflection and self-compassion.  It is time for forgiveness and repair. 

It is also time to understand that what you say to your children and how you say it can become their own inner dialogue.  The impact of your own parent’s outer voice still swimming in your head can be a great motivator!

Get curious and make it a learning opportunity for you so that you parent cleanly from your own values.  Take time to explore and get to know the trigger.  In my case, it was a judgement that I had about responsibility prompted by my daughter leaving a mess.  Of course, she was simply being a child.  There was nothing intentional, malicious, or irresponsible about what she had done.  It was my trigger to own and grow from. 

The more self-compassion you can practice, the better.  Your willingness to look inside, and as Kristin Neff, Ph. D., writes, “to turn mindfully toward our discomfort and acknowledge it”, is an important part of self-compassion. 

Another part is to see that you are not alone.  Knowing that others have said, done, and felt the same as you enhances your self-compassion.  It is one of the great benefits of being in a parenting group.  You get to see the common humanity in the miraculous, challenging experience of parenting.  Neff wrote in her book Fierce Self-Compassion, “We often fall into the trap of believing that things should go well and that something has gone wrong when they don’t.  We irrationally feel like everyone else is just fine and it’s only me” who is experiencing discomfort or a lack of confidence or guilt.  That is not the case. 

Treat yourself with kindness.  Treat yourself as you would a beloved friend.  Kindness, also a foundation of self-compassion, is “a warm, friendly, and supportive attitude towards ourselves as we wade through the mud of life.”  If your inner critic is on fire, speaking to you cruelly, get relief through coaching or therapy. 

Your willingness to learn from your child and the things that come up – such as an old inner voice that suddenly blasts into the outer world – is one of the greatest gifts of parenthood.  You free yourself from the trappings of your past.   Your warm, supportive, understanding voice then becomes your child’s compassionate inner voice.