On a frigid night in February, our boiler stopped working after clanking so violently that we expected it to come through the wall.  Repair folks had advised us to replace it, emphasizing that cleaning the boiler would make it worse, probably killing it.  In the end, it did not need replacement.  It needed cleaning.  It needed regular maintenance. 

There is value in doing regular maintenance on our cars, homes, tools, and equipment. Through exercise, eating well, meditation, and other means of care, we maintain our bodies. Small acts done regularly have a large impact over time.  A well-maintained car – and hopefully a boiler – will last for many miles or seasons.  Our relationships are no different. 

We often only think of maintenance when something goes wrong.  It gets our attention when the boiler stops heating, when the “maintenance required” light comes on in our car, or when our roof has a leak.  It then becomes repair.  This happens in our relationships, too.  We don’t think of providing relationship maintenance until there is an argument, break-up, or things feel off kilter.  Repair done at those critical times strengthens your relationship. 

Relationship maintenance means pausing to assess and replenish our treasured relationships when things are cruising along smoothly.  This can make a big difference in the quality of those relationships over time.  When your children experience relationship maintenance as they grow up, the quality of their relationships throughout their lives will be enhanced.  Here are a few ways to practice relationship maintenance. 

Be aware of your “trust account” with the people you care about.  This is also called an “emotional bank account”.  In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that it is a measure of “the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship.”  Like a bank account, there are deposits and withdrawals.  Deposits connect us and deepen the relationship, generating more trust.  Withdrawals create disconnections or ruptures, destabilizing trust.  Not returning phone calls, yelling, talking about someone behind their back, minimizing what someone says, ignoring, neglecting, and hitting are all examples of withdrawals.  Deposits include listening intently, honoring boundaries, physical affection, spending time, being vulnerable, saying affirming words, giving gifts, and performing acts of service. 

Assess your trust accounts with your child, your own parent, your spouse or partner, and your friends.  Get a feel for the balance.  If your account is over-drawn, add a few deposits.  Recognize your child when they enter a room, call someone to let them know you were thinking of them, give a hug or a high five.  If your account has a positive balance, add another deposit just because you love them! 

Speak their primary love language more often.  What is the love language of the person you care about?  Is it acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical affection, or quality time?  You can often tell by what they ask for or what they give.  If your child embraces you frequently, gives you kisses, or holds your hand, physical affection is probably their primary love language.  If in doubt, choose to speak one love language each day of the week and notice how it lands.  You can also simply ask.  It is helpful to know the love language of each member of your immediate family, and discovering your love languages is a fun activity to do together.  There is an additional bonus in speaking your loved one’s love language.  It immediately adds deposits to your trust account! 

Notice the hot spots and find relief.  Is there a particular time of day or activity or interaction that regularly erupts into a disagreement or power struggle?  It could be getting ready for school, leaving a gathering, eating at mealtime, hearing your teen’s tone of voice, or doing homework.  You can find relief from those hot spots by uncovering what lies underneath the surface for you and by discovering how your requests are landing for your child.  Receiving coaching, talking with a trusted friend, or attending workshops can offer relief and new ways to handle those tough spots. 

Relationship maintenance is a practice that produces wonderful results.  May your practice sustain and nourish your cherished relationships.