The Discomfort in Setting Boundaries

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for allowing us to share this column with you!

We all have boundaries, and we can be crystal clear when one has been crossed.  If someone is tailgating you, especially at high speeds, you immediately feel the violation of that boundary when looking in the rearview mirror.  The crossing of a boundary can also be experienced as a hazy feeling of wariness or discomfort.  We may question what is going on and why we feel the way we do.  Once we identify it as the crossing of a boundary, things become more clear.

Often, it is easier to recognize when a boundary has been crossed than it is to set or renegotiate one!  Here are some ideas – the three R’s - for doing the work of setting a boundary. 

Refrain from setting a boundary when you are triggered.  That would be like stepping on the brakes with the tailgating car inches from your bumper.  Tempting, yet the outcome may be harmful for you and your relationship.  If feel angry at your child for crossing a boundary – coming home later than agreed upon, lying, not doing something they agreed to do – postpone the discussion until you are calm.

Reframe a boundary as a bridge for connection rather than a line in the sand that is not to be crossed.  That will help remove any hostility or adversarial overtones.  It will keep you focused on what you want in the relationship.  Recently, I noticed that a friend of mine felt sad when I shared something with her that was going on between me and a mutual friend.  We decided that this topic was not one that we would discuss together any longer.  That was a bridge of connection. 

Recognize the part of yourself that shows up when you wish to set a boundary.  We are multi-facetted beings with many parts.  The part that gets activated when you are about to set a boundary may feel afraid, discouraging you from moving forward.  It may also create a sense of urgency or threat, encouraging you to “do it now” even if it doesn’t feel comfortable.  Ask that part of you some questions.  Does it feel undeserving of the boundary?  Is it afraid of blowback or repercussions?  Does it feel blank, without a model for how to do it?  Your answer can guide you. 

Recognizing that part of you that shows up isn’t about silencing it.  Rather, it is about listening to what it has to say.  You can then learn what it may be protecting you from.  From that place of understanding, you can confidently and adeptly create boundaries that connect.