The Experience of Loneliness

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our column.

Our daughter’s college experience has not been what any of us expected.  Since her California campus shut down in 2020, she has coped with a lot, including how to maintain friendships and safely make new friends during COVID.  She has coped with loneliness in what she expected would be a socially vibrant time.  She is certainly not alone, and even pre-COVID, research has shown that most college students reported feeling “very lonely”.  I remember that sense of disconnect and loneliness during my last few semesters, knowing that everything was going to change.  The “party” was over.  Students during the pandemic didn’t even have a “party” to attend.

How do we guide our children of all ages as well as ourselves to “manage” loneliness? 

We talk about it.  Talking about it is validating and connecting.  Talking about it eliminates any shame that may be lurking.  When our experience is different from what we anticipated, we may blame ourselves or feel that at some level it is happening because of who we are.  College students – especially those who are being safe with the pandemic and avoiding parties and gatherings – can see others having fun and feel “different from”.   

Reassure your child that they are handling things safely and taking good care of themselves.  Give encouragement through phone/Zoom calls if they are not living at home or face-to-face conversations if they are.  Get creative in exploring things that they can do to nourish themselves.  Our daughter has been taking Pilates classes three times a week and has an upcoming stand-up paddleboard class.  I love that she is focusing on learning and developing herself.  Make sure that activities have the purpose of growth over distraction. 

Lean into the feelings.  Just as the intention of growth rather than distraction while engaging in an activity makes a difference so does feeling the feelings around loneliness rather than ignoring, compartmentalizing, or minimizing them.  Make sure your child has a trusted adult – you, a therapist, relative, coach, counselor – to share with. 

Social media, touted as a big connector, can exacerbate loneliness.  A recent article stated that social media “is very useful in making plans when a student already has connections in place, but when they do not have many, or any, connections, it just amplifies their loneliness.”  Research reported in The American Journal of Preventive Medicine corroborates that by stating their conclusion that “young adults with high social media use seem to feel more socially isolated than their counterparts with lower social media use.”  I suggest that this has been intensified by the pandemic.  Have conversations about this with your child.  Ask them to notice how they feel when they use social media.  Talk about how social media is not the world as it really is.  

Encourage your older child to set up safe social engagements, especially recurring events that they can look forward to.  Anticipation is half of the enjoyment.  Weekly dinner dates or special trips can be incredibly supportive.

Find things that are healing.  Being around animals and being outdoors heal.  Consider riding horses, walking your dog, brushing your cat.  Visit a local shelter as a family and rescue a pet.  Visit the zoo.  Our daughter and a new friend spent seven hours at the zoo and had an uplifting time outdoors. Nature calms.  What appeals to you and to your child?  Being near water, watching the stars at night, viewing the sunrise, hiking in the forest?  Go on a discovery! 

All of this is about taking good care of yourself and guiding your child to do the same.  It is about enhancing purpose.  It is about incorporating parts of ourselves that may feel segmented.  It can be a time of growth and development.  

As Pema Chodron says, “Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy.  Heartache is not something we choose to invite in.  It is restless and pregnant with hot desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company.  When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness.  A relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.”