The Components of Trust

Trust is the connection that binds us, like a rope composed of many threads spun together over time.  Trust creates safety, belonging, and the possibility for vulnerability.  It is related to attachment, and it is the foundation of all relationships. 

In her podcast, Anatomy of Trust, Brené Brown brilliantly illuminates trust.  She not only defines it, but she also outlines its components, providing us with a framework for discovering what has disabled trust in our relationships and how to discuss restoring it.  I highly recommend listening to all twenty-two minutes and forty-nine seconds of this podcast! 

As a definition of trust, Brown quotes Charles Feltman, author of The Thin Book of Trust: “Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”  I read this definition multiple times.  Trust is a decision and an action. 

Trust is not a big bang moment.  It develops over time, incubated by a series of seemingly small events.  Someone saying words of support, attending a funeral, remembering something that you said six months ago, showing up on time, or listening without judgement all add to their trustworthiness.  Each action becomes a thread in the rope that connects both of you and supports your relationship. 

Brown’s acronym, BRAVING, outlines the seven components of trust.  Each component says, “I am trustworthy.” 

Boundaries.  You set clear boundaries.  You respect the boundaries of the other person.  You can clarify your boundaries and what lies behind them.  Boundaries are not a line in the sand that we declare uncrossable.  That is an ultimatum.  Boundaries, instead, are the ways that we can connect and be in relationship with others.  

Reliability.  You follow through on what you say you are going to do time after time.  Infants securely attach with their parent or caregiver when their needs are understood and met around 33% of the time and when the parent or caregiver stays steady until they understand the need 33% of the time.  Secure attachment means many things, including the experience of trust. 

Accountability. When you make a mistake, you own it.  You make amends. You commit to doing it differently the next time.   

Vault.  Vaults are for the safekeeping of things of value.  That includes things shared with you.  You honor confidentiality.  You don’t talk about others behind their back or share experiences that aren’t yours to share.         

Integrity.  I’ve heard several definitions of integrity, including that your thoughts, feelings, and actions are all in alignment with your values.  Brené defines it as “choosing courage over comfort; choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing your values, not just professing them.” 

Nonjudgment.  Without judgement, you can ask for what you need, want, and prefer and the other person can as well.   

Generosity.  Brown writes that generosity is “extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others.”  This is seeing another person in their highest light and knowing that they are more than the way in which they are showing up in a particular moment.  During the teen years, this is such an important practice for parents.   

When we commit to showing up as trustworthy, we nurture trust.  Imagine the impact on your life, relationships, and work experience if each of these seven components had been consciously practiced and encouraged at home and at school as you were growing up.  Imagine them being a mainstay in your family right now.   

Building trust means that you are influencing the quality of every relationship that your child will ever have in their lifetime.  That’s how you change the world.