Holiday Rituals that Work for the Whole Family

We are entering the season of rituals with the hope that they joyfully bring people together. 

Rituals can be founded in religious beliefs or simply be something that your family has done for generations.  Maybe you chop down your own Christmas tree, or everyone in your family looks forward to your special latkes, or your friends love how you wrap their gifts.  Whether they are big or small, rituals serve to bring closeness, inspiration, and safety.  

A friend recently shared that every holiday meant a full day of visiting with extended family from morning until evening.  Especially as a teen and young adult, it became tedious.  His parents made it mandatory even though he expressed his dislike of the full-day event.  For him, holidays became drudgery. 

That example reveals how family rituals can lose their glow.  They may not be working for everyone in your family as your children grow older.  Here are suggestions that allow you to revive the true spirit of your rituals or transform them into new ones that have more spark so that your holidays are warm and meaningful: 

Do not make participation mandatory.  Shift your expectations.  Whenever children are “forced” to attend something they do not enjoy, they do not feel heard.  You will receive pushback and resentment.  They may dread holidays rather than look forward to them.  Here are some examples:  

·       Shorten your visits with relatives, attendance at parties, or sitting through long events.  Young children may fall asleep in your arms.  Older children will find it unenjoyable.  If older children don’t want to stay as long as you do or don’t want to attend at all, find a safe alternative for them.      

·       If your child doesn’t want to sit on Santa’s knee any longer, honor their request even if they can’t or don’t want to explain why.  A good photo-op isn’t worth it.

·       If your child now wants to observe a tradition rather than participate in it – such as decorating the tree – go with the flow.  Enjoy decorating the tree yourself, possibly asking for your child’s input rather than their participation or making the reveal a big surprise!  If your child doesn’t want to go trick or treating, see if they would like to answer the door and give out candy. 

·       Do not force your child to hug people they do not wish to hug.  They may not wish to hug anyone.  Ask them how they would like to greet others.

·       Do not force your child to sit next to someone at the holiday table that they do not like.  Honor their request.  

Be sensitive to burnout and over-stimulation.  Watch your child for signs that they have had enough music, lights, or conversations.  Do the same for yourself!   

Be wary of performative acts, such as asking children to open gifts on command.  Rituals create closeness, and anything performative does the opposite.  For instance, my dad loved to film us coming down the stairs on Christmas morning.  Once, halfway down the stairs, dressed in our holiday flannels, and excited to the max, he had some camera trouble and told us to do it again.  It felt so performative, and it squashed the excitement.  

Create new holiday traditions.  Discuss with your children what is meaningful to them, what they enjoy, and what they find monotonous.  If a ritual is boring, it has lost its meaning.  Identify the value behind the tradition.  Then explore creative ways to revitalize or revamp the ritual or create a new one that more substantially supports the value. 

Holiday rituals can flex with the times so that the meaning behind the tradition burns bright and the people in your family don’t burn out.