Long ago and far away when I worked for an airline based in Miami, we travelled standby with ease around the globe.  It was an amazing experience, with the only caveat being the requirement that we wear full business attire including a suit, heels and panty hose, the removal of which involved circus-worthy contortions in an airplane bathroom.  Rarely were we ever “bumped”, meaning we didn’t make it on the plane.  We were sometimes even elevated from economy to first class seats.  Of course, frequent flyer programs were in their infancy, there were fewer people flying, planes were seldom at capacity, and there was no TSA. 

Air travel today is challenging, and the stress lands heavily on parents travelling with children.  Much has been written about the things to pack to keep children occupied and happy while flying.  There is also something else that can make a big difference in the quality of your family’s experience.  It is your nervous system.  

Our nervous system not only monitors within us – our heart rate, digestion, and respiration – and outside of us – such as the auditory and visual stimulation in an airport – but also between us.  In a split second, our nervous system lets us know if something is not safe.  For your child, it could be the sound of jet engines, the noise level in the airport, or the thrust of takeoff.  

Here are three interactions that recently caught my eye during travel: 

I observed a screaming young child, arms outstretched, run up to his mom in baggage claim at London Heathrow.  Mom put him on top of the luggage stacked on a trolley and shrieked at him, her face three inches from his.  

I heard a passenger complain to the parents behind him at the beginning of a long-haul flight that he could not handle their child kicking his seat.  They argued with him that she wasn’t kicking the seat, she was jumping. 

The baby next to me was held throughout the flight by not only his mom but by his older brothers.  Mom and son made eye contact.  She snuggled with him, fed him, and was attuned to his needs. 

Three different circumstances with three different outcomes.  How could an awareness of both the child’s nervous system and the parent’s own nervous system have made a difference? 

With the activated child and mom in baggage claim, mom taking a moment to assess her son’s nervous system may have given her the space to realize that he was seeking safety and comfort.  She may have placed him on the luggage to give him a welcoming smile and warm hug.  By making a practice of monitoring her own nervous system over time, she would be aware that she was incredibly tired and easily triggered.  By practicing over time, she can make the needed adjustments in critical moments so that she responds from a place of caring rather than from the stress.  She would be kinder to herself and to her child. 

With the jumping child, the first point for the parents is to side-step power struggling with the passenger their child was disturbing.  Being aware of their own nervous system alerts them to any defensiveness about the complaint.  The parents’ job is to redirect their child to an activity that doesn’t disturb other passengers. 

The mom of the baby beside me had such a regulated nervous system that even I felt calmer sitting next to her.  Her other sons contentedly took turns holding their brother.  It was a joy to see. 

Long before your trip, make a practice of nervous system awareness.  Take moments to close your eyes and notice what is happening within you.  Are you calm, stressed, anxious, hopeful?  Making it a practice will make it a skill. 

Remember that your nervous system not only picks up on things outside of you and things within you but things between you and another person.  Your child is looking to you for the safety of a regulated nervous system.  

Know your child and their threshold of stimulation.  The cacophonous noise, being jostled in the crowds, and the in-your-face visual stimulation in an airport may be overwhelming for even the most settled nervous system.  To avoid sensory overload, seek areas of soothing quiet with fewer people and screens.  

Along with the things that you have packed to keep your child engaged during the flight, include an awareness of your nervous system and theirs.  It can make for more peaceful travels.  Above all, practice self-compassion.  Air travel today demands it.