Making Friends

Some years ago, when I was leading a weekend course for teens and young adults, one of the biggest challenges that came up was making friends.  The participants felt reticent to approach someone they didn’t already know, and they had no clue what to say if they did.  Yet, all yearned for friendship.  They wanted to connect. 

Friendships not only enrich your life, but they may also lengthen it.  Although that second benefit of friendship is mostly for older people, making friends as children is important for their social development and wellbeing.  There are ways to guide your child if they are seeking friendships and don’t know where to begin.  Here are a few: 

Avoid pressuring your child about making friends.  If you are worried that they have too few or no friends, please process your feelings before talking with your child.  Worrying does not land as caring.  Expressing worry can be interpreted by your child as a judgement or shortcoming about them.  Rather than transferring your concerns, see what lies under the surface for you.  

For example, a part of me felt fearful when my daughter was in middle school that she didn’t have many friends.  She had kept her elementary and pre-school friends even though they now went to different schools, but making friends in middle school was proving challenging. I felt afraid that she was lonely or wasn’t having fun.  In exploring my own feelings, I realized they were about my own middle school experience!  Middle school is a big transition, and I waited for her to bring it up with me, always keeping the door open for a conversation. 

If your child comes to you with questions about making friends or they express self-criticism about not having friends, speak to them with care, non-judgement, and curiosity.  Some questions and responses that will encourage discovery are: 

“How do you feel about [making friends; how hard it has been to make friends; what is going on with making friends]?” 

“What would you like [to have happen; to do about it]?” 

“What does having friends mean to you and about you?”  

“Who would you like to have as a friend?” 

“What do you most fear about making friends or talking with people you don’t know?”   

Let these questions be the beginning of a conversation, knowing that you don’t have to fix anything for your child or “happy them up”.  Being a part of an open-ended conversation and listening to what they have to say – being a witness to them – is incredibly meaningful and supportive.   

Let your child know that making friends takes time.  Share a story about how making one of your friends happened over time.  Let them know what united you, such as seeing one another in the pick-up line each day, serving on a committee together during the school year, or shopping at the same grocery store and running into each other every week.  The basis of friendship is trust, and trust happens in the small things over time.   

Talk about what qualities they would like in a friend or what they like about another person they would like to become friends with.  This not only helps them gain clarity, but it also helps them define what they value.  Share what you like about one of your friends, such as their integrity or reliability or sense of humor. 

Find something that they share in common.  Knowing what they have in common can make that introductory conversation or the first “hi” smoother.  Joining groups that share an interest or activity makes developing friendships easier.  My daughter joined Girl Scouts.  Attending meetings, being involved in cookie sales, and earning badges together made for some tight friendships.    

As always, what you model has a big impact.  Model making friends and maintaining good friendships.  Friendship maintenance brings more closeness.  That includes repairing upsets, avoiding gossip, sharing and respecting each other’s boundaries, being accountable when you make a mistake, and holding each other in their highest light.  Modeling how to repair ruptures will boost your child’s abilities in handling upsets with their own friends. 

I wish your child both greater smoothness in making friends as well as the confidence to know that they can handle whatever comes up!