Making the Repair

Imagine that you’ve had a power struggle with your teen, an argument with your spouse, or a disagreement with a co-worker.  You are in that uncomfortable state of discord, disconnect, and disharmony.  You may feel, at some level, unsafe. 

What is needed is a repair.  Repairs following discord can not only return you to a state of safety and connection, but they can also strengthen your relationship. 

Growing up, you may have had great models for making the repair.  Often, though, our models did not repair at all, did not repair well, or did not repair where we could observe them in the process.  Now, making the repair may feel awkward or like a total unknown.  It may be triggering.  It may feel scary.  Here are a few steps to get the process of re-connection going.  

Take time to understand what is happening within you.  If things were heated, take the time to settle into calm again.  With a wealth of self-compassion, tune into your own nervous system and explore what was below the surface in the argument.  What did you feel, want, and need?  How would you have liked the outcome to be?  How would you do it differently from your current perspective?  

Be curious about what you can learn from the experience.  If you find yourself labeling or demeaning the other person, using terms such as “always” and “never”, or changing your life to avoid running into them, this is a powerful indicator of an opportunity for introspection.  There is learning available to you about you.  Become a compassionate witness to your part in the disagreement. 

Remind yourself of what you love about the other person.  During conflict, we may see only a part of the person we care about.  We have a front row seat to their dysregulated parts, as they do to ours.  Know that they – just like you – are more than how they are showing up in that moment. Take a pause to recall the other parts of them – the parts that are caring, responsible, smart, or patient.   

Compassionately seek to understand how you are like the other person.  This is particularly important if you find yourself blaming them.  With great self-compassion, find where you have done something similar, or perhaps, you have done exactly the same thing.  If they yelled, remember a time that you yelled.  If they shut down, recall a time that you shut down or didn’t know how to respond.   

Make amends.  When we have made a mistake or done something that didn’t land well with someone we care about, making amends is a powerful way to add “more marbles to the marble jar”, as Brene Brown refers to our level of trust with others.  Do more than offer an apology.  Speak their love language – give a gift, spend time, provide hugs, tell them what you love about them, cook their favorite meal.  If you broke something, repair or replace it.  If you said something hurtful, send a card showing appreciation for them. 

Reach accord.  A wonderful resource for communicating to reach accord is Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.  Reaching accord is more than the language that you use.  It involves expressing how you feel (without blame), talking about your needs, listening attentively, and being committed to the conversation.  It may involve forgiveness. 

Conflict is a part of life.  We are not always going to agree with one another.  Conflict has peripheral fallout, impacting the children, friends, and family in the orbit of those who have not yet made repair.  When you repair following discord, your life is richer, and those on the periphery feel more at ease.  When you model making the repair, you provide a guide for your child to do the same.  Not only will your relationships be strengthened, but so will theirs.