Power Struggles - The Big Disconnect

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share this Whole Hearted Parenting column on our blog!

About the time our children begin saying, “No”, we may begin insisting on “Yes”.  This is when the power struggles begin.  Unfortunately, power struggling creates a disconnect with our children.  Parents may feel ineffectual, powerless, and discouraged.  Children may feel judged, over-powered, and not seen. 

 As a power struggle escalates, it may seem as if something is getting accomplished, but it is not.  It is a smoke screen of heightened energy.  The trash doesn’t get taken out, the dog doesn’t get fed, and the homework doesn’t get done.  Everyone’s nervous system is ragged, and a rift is created in your relationship with your toddler, tween, teen, or adult child. 

There are tried and true ways to move away from power struggles and towards peaceful resolutions.  Here are a few to consider:

Understand your nervous system.  When your child is dysregulated, you can bring peace through co-regulation.  Invite your child into your peaceful bubble instead of stepping into a battle in theirs.  Our children absolutely need us to do this.  They cannot take this step.  If you feel the challenge of disengaging from the power struggle – especially when you are tired or sick or pressed for time – imagine how challenging it is for them.  Learn what you need to do to move into calm.    

See your child as responsible.  In that nano-second between your child’s response to your request and your next response to your child, a judgement or thought may jettison you into the tug-of-war of a power struggle.  Instead of going forward with that judgement, find one place, no matter how small, where your child is responsible, a leader, or powerful.  Sit with that before speaking again.  Later, explore that part of you that judges your child.  Where does that judgement come from?  Is there a belief underneath the judgement?  For instance, do you believe that your child is lazy [disrespectful, unloving, uncaring, etc.] because they said “No” to setting the table?  Explore that judging part without judging yourself!  We all judge.  Exploring your own judgements can be difficult to do alone, especially the first time.  This is a place where coaching can be invaluable.

Decide ahead of time how you will respond to recurring power struggles.  Rehearse, visualizing your tone of voice, the words that you will use, and how you will handle resistance from your child.  Monitor your nervous system and bring yourself back to calm if you begin to fight, shut down, or want to run away to a tropical island. 

Know that you are not alone.  You are part of a world of parents who have engaged in power struggles with their children and faced difficulties in handling resistance.  Have compassion for yourself and for your child.  See them as having a hard time rather than giving you a hard time.  Then find ways to handle it more peacefully, respectfully, and effectively.                     

If you would like to learn more about avoiding power struggles, consider attending Power Struggles: Stepping into Your Own Authority, our live virtual workshop happening on October 8th.  Details and registration are online at https://wholeheartedparenting.com/shop/power-struggles.