Sensitive Talks: Being Intentional

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to reprint and share our column.

Have you had a sensitive talk with your child lately?  It could have been about something risky they were doing; a failing grade; friends who may not be a healthy influence; choices they were making that are not in their best interest; a behavior that didn’t serve them; or the death of someone dear.  We want these crucial conversations to turn out well.  They can, however, leave us feeling enraged, frustrated, sad, disappointed, and disconnected.  We can also walk away feeling full of understanding and highly connected to our child.  What makes the difference in the outcomes? 

Wayne Dyer said, “Our intention creates our reality”.  Being highly intentional about your sensitive talk – whether it is with your child, your own parent, or a colleague at work – can prepare you for an outcome that feels mutually satisfying. 

There are several components to “being intentional” that can assist you, and of highest importance is processing your triggers.  No matter how intentional you are, if you are triggered during the conversation, all intentionality flies out the window.  You are no longer operating from your intention but from your trigger.  It is good to take a pause in the conversation if you are feeling defensive, angry, checked out, or about to lose it.  

To process your trigger, notice patterns in your conversations.  Has this happened before?  Notice the moment when the conversation goes off the rails.  What was said and how did you feel?  Notice the thoughts that are igniting your trigger.  Underneath the surface are beliefs.  If you are thinking “he is so disrespectful,” check out your beliefs around respect.  If your thought is “how dare she say ‘no’ to me,” check out your beliefs about obedience, cooperation, and your own authority.  If your thought is “these other children are a horrible influence,” check out your judgements around your child’s capability and self-reliance.  Please get some support with this if you are stumped.  It is very easy to get confused in this process, especially if it is the first time going through it.  Call or write to me.  I am happy to assist you! 

Be aware of your body.  Does your stomach or head hurt?  Where do you feel tension?  Your body is an incredible barometer reflecting what is going on inside of you.  Breath into the tension and postpone the conversation if your body is guiding you to do so.   

Know what you want for your relationship.  This allows you to focus on the relationship rather than on being right or convincing your child that you are right.  It isn’t about “making” your child do something different.  It is about inspiring them to do what is in their best interest.   

See your child [spouse, boss, colleague, mom] as having a positive intention for you.  If you enter the conversation as if marching into battle, you will see your child as the enemy.  It becomes about winning and losing, conquering, and force rather than creating greater understanding.  If you have thoughts during the conversation that suggest your child has a negative intention, revise your thinking.  Circle back to knowing that they may protest or have a tone and still have a positive intention for you.  Take a pause in the conversation if needed. 

Always come back to the conversation.  If you or your child needs to take a break to decompress, let each other know when you are ready to begin again.  Learn from each part of the conversation and return committed to each other and to working it out.  

There are many more helpful concepts to having highly satisfying crucial conversations in which both people feel heard.  If you would you like to explore this topic more deeply, please join me on Saturday, March 12th for the live virtual workshop, “Powerful Communication for Sensitive Talks”. Visit www.WholeHeartedParenting.com/shop for more details and to register.