Teaching Children (and Ourselves!) to Look Within

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permitting us to reprint this piece from the Whole Hearted Parenting column.

One of the greatest lessons we can teach our children (and ourselves) is how to look within.  When they feel hurt because a classmate did not invite them to a party or sad because a friend has moved away, rather than filling them with advice, invite them to check out the riches of their internal world.  That invitation can be done with three specific questions that act as a road map.  Imagine the difference between giving advice – being told, “Oh, you will be alright” or “You will make new friends” or “There will be another party, so don’t worry” – and the impact of what we are about to explore!

This doesn’t mean that children handle these things alone.  It does mean that you can guide them to discover answers that feel complete and self-supporting.  From that place, they will have that road map for the rest of their lives, gaining self-confidence and self-trust along the way.

The three questions are:

1.    How do you feel?

2.    What is it you really want?

3.    What can you count on yourself to do?

Here is an example.  When I was in first grade, a friend in the neighborhood called to ask me to spend the night.  I felt excited to be asked and neutral about actually going.  The friend’s prefacing statement sealed the deal with my mother, though.  The friend had said, “I asked Sara to spend the night, and she couldn’t come.  Do you want to?”  The answer from my mom was “no” because “I don’t play second fiddle.”  I had no idea what that aphorism even meant, and the fact that I had been asked after someone else didn’t bother me.  My mom’s response, however, made we wonder if it should.  Was I supposed to be feeling something that I wasn’t?  There was no further discussion, and I felt confused.   

Here is how it could have played out by asking the three questions:

1.    When I explained the situation to my mom, if she had asked the first question, I would have said, “I am excited that she asked me.  I am not sure if I want to spend the night.” 

2.    My mom would have then asked, “What is it you really want?”  I would have said, “I want to go over to play and then come home.  I don’t want to spend the night.”  My mom could have then explained how to ask my friend if spending time together without spending the night was an option.

3.    The final question – “What can you count on yourself to do?” – is vital.  Within that answer lies the foundation of self-trust, self-reliance, and self-confidence.  My answer might have been, “I can count on myself to ask for what I want.  I can count on myself to let my friend know when I want to go home.”

Asking these three simple questions will create greater closeness between you and your child. In listening to their answers, you will get to know them more intimately. They, in return, will feel heard. The three questions also remove the pressure of having to have incredible, world-class, sage advice to share. Your child can instead know that the answers are right there inside of themselves!