A person very dear to me recently asked, “What do you do when someone doesn’t like you?”  Behind that simple question was a myriad of other questions about handling the feelings that come up, making amends (or not), apologizing (or not), moving forward, making mistakes, and so on.  In perfect synchronicity, I was unfriended by someone on Facebook the very day the question was asked!   I can now identify even more closely because someone does not like me!

Understand that we are wired to connect.  As humans, we feel safest when we feel connected.  That is the power of belonging.  When your sense of belonging is disturbed – such as when you think someone does not like you – you may feel banished, outside your tribe, kicked off the island, afraid.  A child whose parents are angry may feel unsafe or displaced.  If your partner is upset, a friend talks about you behind your back, you are overlooked for a promotion, or you lose your job, the feelings that may arise are rooted in our primal need for connection.  Know that those feelings are a brilliant tactic to keep you safe by asking you to reconnect or to check in with what you are telling yourself about your connection.  As Pam Dunn, CEO of Your Infinite Life Training & Coaching Company, recently said, “We often make disagreements mean something more.  We make them mean something about our belonging.” 

Feel your feelings.  Take the time to explore every feeling that comes up.  For more on feeling your feelings, please read this article, watch this video, and listen to this wonderful meditation.      

Consider what you do when you decide that you do not like someone.  Do you “write them off,” demean them, or judge them harshly or unkindly?  If so, you are probably imagining that they are doing the same thing to you, and that hurts, right?  Consider changing the way you handle “not liking” someone.  How could you “walk in their shoes” or dislike their behavior without treating them unkindly?

Separate your behavior from who you are and their behavior from who they are.  You are much more than any mistake you have made.  You are much more than the time you said something that was unkind.  The person you may have decided not to like – or who you see as not liking you – is much more than the behavior that they exhibited, too.  Separate the behavior – and not liking the behavior – from who you are and who they are.

This is also where you make some decisions!  Is the person who is not liking you someone you care for deeply?  Do you want to maintain the relationship?  If so, this is the time for some internal work on your part. 

A dear friend had an experience of feeling ousted from her tribe.  The person who “ousted” her was also dear to her.  Because she consciously chose to maintain her tribe and her friendship, she began some deep internal work.  She discovered how she had been showing up in ways that influenced the friend’s perception of her.  It was a bumpy process in re-establishing the relationship, and it was one in which she learned about herself, friendship, determination, courage, and self-reliance.

If you are not liking someone’s behavior, here is where you can make some more decisions.  Do you want this person in your life?  If so, what boundaries do you need to set to make that happen?  As my friend pointed out, unity does not mean a lack of boundaries.  Ask yourself, “What boundaries do we need to establish to stay connected?”    

Identify your contribution.  From a place of learning and self-acceptance, look at your part in what happened – in what resulted in someone “not liking you”.  The reason I was unfriended on Facebook is clear.  The comment that I posted was wrapped in humor (it cracked me up), yet there was a considerable amount of snark lurking underneath (it did not crack her up).  I am sure that my disdain for what she had originally posted was noticeably reflected in the “tone” of my response.    

Continue to care.  Pam recently wrote in her weekly Your Infinite Solutions inspirational newsletter, “There is a fine line between not taking things personally and behaving as if you don't care.  While it is true that others (and us) are always behaving based on our own triggers, we can still be caring about triggering others or being triggered.”  Saying that we do not care is not true.  It is also a way to seal off our heart.  We really do care about our connection to others.  In the case of my “unfriending,” I will continue to be caring towards the person, and I will also be OK with not seeing her posts that do not jive with my beliefs.

Decide about making amends.  Is there something that you could do or say to repair your relationship?  Do you want to do that?  In one interaction in which I had been too harsh in a response, I checked in to make sure our relationship was good.  In the one where I was “unfriended”, I did not.  I decided that I would stick with what I had said and with the results.     

Ask yourself how you would do it differently the next time.  Envision how you would handle the situation if you could have a re-do.  By committing to doing it differently the next time – with greater kindness, understanding, or compassion – you have allowed the experience to make a difference in your life. 

Forgive yourself.  Ultimately, you are who you need to forgive.  Not a one of us is perfect.  We all stumble, foul up, mess up, and say things we wish we had not said.  It is what all humans have in common.  It is how we learn to be kinder and recognize how deeply we care.  If you need some guidance on forgiveness, this book by Desmond Tutu is a helpful read.

“If you look deeply into your anger [or hurt or sadness or “aloneness” or displacement], you will see that the person you call your enemy [or who you think does not like you] is also suffering.  As soon as you see that, the capacity for accepting and having compassion for them is there.” Thich Nhat Hanh