Being a Confident Parent

The good news and the bad news is that parents are the model for what their children learn.  Children internalize what they see.  They do not behave based on what we say.  

For instance, if you are encouraging your child to be more confident, the most valuable thing that you can do is enhance your own so that you are a model of confidence! 

A powerful place to nurture your confidence is as a parent.  

Being a confident parent means that you sit in your own authority.  It does not mean that you are an authoritarian.  Being a confident parent does not mean that you are “perfect”.  I can’t even wrap my head around what a perfect parent is because perfection rules out our humanness.  Confident parents make mistakes and then make amends.  Confident parents change their minds and can still be consistent.  Confident parents are willing to grow, improve, and learn from their children. 

How do you become more confident, particularly if you are a parent for the first time? 

Become a witness to the results that you get and the way that you feel.  If your desire is closeness with your child and you observe resistance or power struggles or disconnects in your relationship, you’ve identified an area for growth.  If you feel down, angry, or hurt after an interaction with your child, you’ve found a space for learning.  Those upsets or mismatches are discouraging, and they undermine your confidence.  Your willingness to learn and grow – to find a different way to make a request or to discover what underlies your strong reactions – will lead to greater confidence.  

Be clear on your values.  We are most confident when we lead from and live by our values.  When our actions match our words and thoughts, we feel integrated and in integrity.  We become even more trustworthy.  When asked by your child why you made a decision or took a certain action, you can answer clearly by stating your underlying values. 

Have the end goal in mind.  What are the character traits that you would like your child to embody as an adult?  Do you want your child to become responsible, kind, thoughtful, truthful?  Knowing these traits can guide you to confidently lead your child.  If you feel the urge to defend yourself with a small lie, you will reconsider because you wish your child to become truthful.  That is a much more powerful example than being observed telling a lie while asking your child to avoid telling them. 

Be OK with getting things wrong the first time around. Brene Brown – researcher, author, professor – so dislikes first time experiences that she has labeled them FFT’s (for effing first times).  We don’t pick up a tennis racket and go to Wimbledon in two weeks.  We train.  The same applies in parenting.  Be kind with yourself when you make a mistake.  Know that confidence is built through practice. 

Confidence is not forceful.  It is influential.  It is not overpowering.  Instead, it is a humble vulnerability that allows you to lead with love.  Your confidence as a parent will not only be self-supporting, but it will inspire your children to be confident as well.