The Sacred Thresholds You Face as Your Child Steps into the World

My mother was ecstatic when the elementary school principal told her that I could not begin first grade because of something about my December birthday being “too late”.  There was no disguising her happiness that I would remain at home one more year.  There was no disguising my joy at the prospects of another year of the smooth flow of time, days spent in nature, and being in the comfort of home. 

Whether it is beginning elementary school, leaving for college, or moving to another city or state or country for their job, at some point we deal with our child moving away from us, leaving our bubble of influence, stepping out into the world. As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”  As we send them forth, these meaningful thresholds are deserving of time and sacred recognition. 

It is a blessing when those changes come in increments so that our systems can acclimate a bit at a time.  However those changes appear, it is a big adjustment.  Whether you are looking forward to the change with glee or it has an unrelenting grip on your heart or maybe somewhere in between, there are ways to make the adjustment more bearable and highly meaningful.  I say this as someone who cried nonstop for two weeks after my daughter left for college. 

Recognize the threshold and make it sacred.  As John O’Donohue wrote in his poem “Thresholds”, “At any time you can ask yourself: At which threshold am I now standing? At this time in my life, what am I leaving?  Where am I about to enter?  What is preventing me from crossing my next threshold?  What gift would enable me to do it?  A threshold is not a simple boundary; it is a frontier that divides two different territories, rhythms, and atmospheres.”  Mark those frontiers with rituals.  Celebrate the passage.  Recognize that they are big deals. 

Practice self-compassion.  Honor the feelings that arise within you and within your child.  Talk about them.  Pause to feel them.  Thresholds are liminal spaces which may feel uncomfortable.  Yet, there is sacredness and magic there.  Allow your heart to expansively feel all the feels.  Allow your child the space to do the same. 

Because crossing a frontier is new and new things land in our nervous systems as unsafe, be aware of your system.  Talk with others who are experiencing the same transition or who have already stepped through the threshold.  Give yourself the comfort of their company, seeing that they, too, share the experience and that common humanity can be soothing. 

Give yourself time.  Give your system time to return to calm.  Give your child time.  Avoid comparing the time you need to the time others may need.  Your system and experiences are uniquely your own. 

Be the wind under their wings. Do not guilt them or stymie any decision to go father away than you prefer or to follow their chosen path.  They are feeling the pull of what Gibran called “Life’s longing for itself”.  Have faith in their decisions and in them. 

Have a support network including a therapist or coach to guide you through the hard things that may arise.  Thresholds can bring up unresolved feelings or trauma that you may not be aware you had. 

These thresholds are not simple.  The frontier is not comfortable.  Let’s do as O’Donohue advises and “listen inward with complete attention until you hear the inner voice calling you forward. The time has come to cross.”