Conversations that Lead from Chaos to Connection

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our Whole Hearted Parenting column.

A friend shared with me recently that she was hearing from other parents about the massive disagreements they were having with their teenagers.  She thought, “Oh, that’s not us.  We’re so close.”  Then her daughter turned thirteen, and things seemed to change overnight.  Having a teenager is different.  Your child is different.  Your relationship is different.  Even with all the ensuing discord, you can have conversations that move from chaos into connection. 

Conversations with your teen require more of you.  These talks can benefit from more listening; more mindfulness; more open-ended questions asked with curiosity; more compassion and more self-compassion; and more expression in terms of “I” rather than “you”. 

More listening means not only that you talk less, but that you also curtail your desire to teach a lesson.  An agenda involving your teen learning a lesson through what you have to say is doomed from word one.  Talking is a distraction.  It focuses your child on you and not on the results of their behavior.  Your child discovering those results for themselves – not us pointing them out – is by far the best lesson.  Conversations with more listening offer an open door to your teen. 

More mindfulness means that you approach conversations with self-regulation.  You become the calming influence.  You remain steady when your child gets heated. You are a safe place to land as they test their wings. 

More open-ended questions asked with curiosity means that you truly desire to know what is going on within your child.  These questions also give your child the power of responsibility.  Check out the difference between asking, “What would you have liked to have happen?” and “What were you thinking?”  The first one is a curious inquiry about your child’s intent and purpose with the healthy weight of responsibility.  The second question has the hanging unsaid phrase of “you idiot” and is usually said with a tone of distain and blame.  Eliminate number two.  Other questions to consider asking include: 

·     How did you feel when he said [did] that?

·     How do you feel about what you said [did]?

·     What is your preference?

·     If you could do it over again, how would you do it differently?

·     How can I support you in this?

·     What do you need? 

More compassion and more self-compassion mean that you understand and are sensitive to the emotional, physical, and mental changes that your teen is experiencing.  It also means that you understand and are sensitive to the stress that you are experiencing in tandem.  If you are critical with your teen or critical with yourself, expand the space for greater compassion and self-compassion.  Remind yourself that you have time to sort everything out. 

More expressions in terms of “I” rather than “you” means that you will avoid a lot of defensiveness.  In speaking for you, such as in saying “I feel” or “In speaking for myself”, you own your feelings and create a non-hostile, non-blaming atmosphere. 

All of these are practices, which means sometimes you do better than others, and over time you improve.  Seeing the teen years as “different” rather than awful or challenging (and yes, it can definitely feel that way!), allows space for creative conversations that create closeness and clarity out of the chaos.