The Dance of Discord and Repair
/My parents fought. When my mom died in 2004, they had celebrated sixty-two years of marriage. How is that possible? The Power of Discord by Ed Tronic, PhD, and Claudia M. Gold, MD, explains it well. A healthy, strong relationship is not created through constant attunement – being in alignment with one another, agreeing, never having a moment of disharmony. It is the dance of discord and repair that is necessary for growth and closeness. My parents didn’t just fight. They repaired during their six decades together. Their closeness was tender and beautiful. The “mismatches” – those times of disharmony – not so much. Yet, the messiness that they travelled between the mismatches and the repairs built a trusting, deep, solid relationship.
Tronic and Gold wrote, “Moving through the messiness turns out to be the way we grow and develop in relationships from earliest infancy through adulthood. To many people’s surprise, the research has revealed that messiness holds the key to stronger relationships!”
The dance of discord and repair is especially important in the relationship between a parent and child. Here is where vital life lessons are learned, not through words but through disconnection and reconnection. It is through being OK with the messiness and traversing the messiness to reach accord – the repair – that these lessons are embodied. Being attuned to one another all of the time is not necessary. In fact, it is a detriment.
Tronic and Gold wrote, “Repair leads to a feeling of pleasure, trust, and security, the implicit knowledge that I can overcome problems. Furthermore, repair teaches a critical life lesson: The negative feeling that arises from a mismatch can be changed into a positive feeling when two people subsequently achieve a match. One does not have to get stuck in a negative feeling state. And the belief that one can or cannot change an emotional state develops in an infant’s earliest interactions.” You can see how valuable the dance of discord and repair are for your children.
What does this mean for all of us parents (as well as those of us in intimate relationships)?
1. The times of disharmony with your child are important moments of learning. As Tronic and Gold observed, learning that they can overcome problems is a vital lesson. The dance of discord and repair you provides resilience.
2. Messiness will happen and messiness is needed. It does not mean you are a bad parent or that you are doing anything wrong. It may mean that there is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself, your beliefs, your protections, your wounds to move through the messiness with greater ease. It means being open to learning from your child. It means a willingness to set boundaries that serve as guideposts.
3. Getting to repair means having curious conversations with questions about how your child feels, what they would like to see happen, and how they would like to handle things. It means a lot of listening, especially if your child is a teen. It means committing to reaching an accord even if it takes a lot of breaks, many hours, or several days.
When you have mismatches with your child, celebrate the chance for deeper connection, lots of learning, and greater resilience as you move through the messiness. Then be sure to enjoy the repair!