"I'm Sorry You Feel that Way" and Other Deflections

Have you ever experienced letting someone know they had crossed a boundary with you, and their response was, “I’m sorry you feel that way”?  Did their response feel like an authentic apology, or did it land like blame, lack of accountability on their part, and a denial of any responsibility?  The latter is what lies beneath the surface of this common phrase.  

What “I’m sorry you feel that way” says is multi-fold:

1.    I sound like I am apologizing, and I am not. 

2.    I sound like a good person, and I am taking no responsibility for any actions that may have contributed to what you feel. 

3.    Your feelings are the problem.  If only you didn’t feel that way, everything would be hunky dory.

4.    Your feelings are wrong.  I am the victim of your feelings.

5.    End of story.  Case closed.  No need to look further or discuss. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a deflection.  Examples of other phrases that deflect are:

·       “You are too sensitive”

·       “I was only joking”

·       “You are over-reacting”

·       “That is just how I am”

·       “Calm down”  

The party saying any of these phrases is focusing outwards with no introspection and no reflection, self- or otherwise.  Using these phrases diminishes trust. 

One of the components of trust is accountability.  That means that someone owns their mistakes.  They may apologize; however, true accountability is making amends.  Without making amends, the relationship remains destabilized and ruptured.  Making amends is the repair.  

If “I’m sorry you feel that way” is on the tip of your tongue or the tips of your fingers on the keyboard, before you utter those words, pause and consider your contribution to the rupture or upset.  Make the relationship paramount rather than who is right or wrong.  If you have made a mistake, make amends.  Your words are powerful models for your children.  Choose them wisely.  

If you are the recipient of this phrase, there are things that you can do.  What you do will be a lesson for your children. 

Begin by noticing how you feel.  In a situation I experienced, I felt angry and hurt because my boundary had been crossed and then minimized.  You might feel the same or possibly sad or fearful.  “I’m sorry you feel that way” may land as an emotional threat because you were not heard and respected.  You have been, instead, blamed. 

Notice your body.  What does it want to do?  Where in your body do you feel the feeling?  I felt it in my throat.  Be a witness to your body and your physiological state.     

Next, ask yourself what you want or need.  There was a part of me that was on fire along with another part that said, “Whoa!  Slow this down a bit,” so each part wanted something different.  The purpose of recognizing parts of yourself that have come on board is to see what they need and then for you to be able to provide it if possible.  The other person does not have to provide it, and they probably won’t.  They may not be available to provide it.  

Honor the parts of you by providing the words and validation they need.  My fired-up part needed to hear that she was correct as well appreciated for her protectiveness and caring.  An important boundary had indeed been crossed.  Thanks for the heads up!  My “whoa” part needed to hear that she felt afraid of repercussions, and that was OK.  Thanks for caring enough to slow me down!  

By providing what your parts need, they will most likely trust You to handle the situation.  As Dr. Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems, says, “You can then speak for your parts rather than from your parts”.  That makes a huge difference, especially in sensitive conversations.  

You may also want to assess your relationship.  If this was a friend, do you wish to continue the relationship?  If this is a family member, will they hear you if you deepen the conversation about the boundary crossing and their behavior?  Is this someone who may have something going on that will prevent them from receiving the message you might want to send, such as a substance use issue, mental health issue, or language barrier?  Is this person someone who can be accountable or someone who has difficulty accepting that they have made a mistake?  Will they continue to deflect? 

Going through these steps may be all that you need.  You may decide to say nothing, say something, or talk with a coach or therapist to process it further.  The benefits are that you will have gained clarity and greater calm in the process as well as having served as a wonderful role model for your children in the meantime.