The Power of Little Things

When my brother died of cancer at thirty-five, I was gutted.  He was a year younger than I, so how could this happen? 

He had young children.  He had more life to live. 

At his service, I felt out of my body and untethered as I did my best to comfort his children and my parents.  We were all shattered.  Then I saw Joanne, a long-time friend, walking across the parking lot. 

She was in shorts and flip flops, not dressed for a funeral. 

She had just heard the news and had driven over immediately.  We had not seen each other in years.  We met in elementary school and were serendipitously assigned as roommates in college.  Seeing her that day was profound.  Her act of showing up brought me enormous comfort. 

To her, it may have seemed a small gesture to drop by, and I can’t express how much her presence meant to me. 

The small things matter. 

The small things, over time, create the big things that humans are wired to receive or be a part of, including the bond with your child.

A friend once told me that when her son was born, she looked into his eyes and asked, “Who are you?”.  She asked that question not with sarcasm but with such loving curiosity, recognizing that she did not know yet who he was and was most excited to find out.  She found out through the small things. 

There are some big things that universally benefit us humans – community, trust, connection, belonging.  These are all inter-related.  We fulfill our need to belong through relationships and community.  Belonging, relationships, and community all require trust.  We need connection to trust.  These four concepts – community, trust, connection, belonging – provide the perfect alignment for safety.  

We all benefit from community, yet you don’t just go out and find it. 

Dr. Julie Radlauer, an expert in the social influences of mental health, wrote that community “grows through small, repeated interactions that help people feel welcome and connected.  It often begins in very ordinary moments.  It is built through small, intentional choices that say, ‘There’s room for you here’”.  You belong.  

Moving is sometimes listed as the number one stressor.  It disrupts our sense of belonging and our connection to community.  When leaving home and moving to a new place, it generally takes several months for things to begin to feel somewhat familiar.  It takes over two years to develop deeper roots and a shared history with your new home, new neighbors, and new friends.  That process happens through the small things – noticing that you don’t need GPS to find your way to the grocery store any longer, talking with the same folks at your child’s school, having coffee dates with a neighbor, joining an organization or group, and learning how the seasons unfold.   

Trust, along with belonging and community, is developed through many small events not simply one interaction. 

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote about trust accounts in which there are deposits and withdrawals.  Each credit or debit is a small thing. 

Similarly, Brené Brown – author, professor, and social scientist - explained trust in terms of the “marble jar”.  Each time someone does an act of kindness, shows up for you, is accountable when making a mistake, is clear on their boundaries and respectful of yours, assists you, or offers you grace in a not-so-pretty moment, you put a marble in the marble jar. 

The more marbles, the higher the trust. 

Full disclosure: The marble jar with my cats contains only one marble, and our trust account is in the red.  Each item they have broken or scratched to smithereens has been a debit.  Their cuteness is their saving grace, and each mouse caught has been a deposit. 

The small things keep your system regulated.  When you are in a state of safety, you can connect with others and yourself, trust others and yourself, and enjoy belonging in community.

Deb Dana, author of Anchored and an expert in Polyvagal Theory, spoke recently about "having enough" Ventral Vagal energy - the energy of safety, connection, and calm - to navigate the world today.  She spoke about how what she terms “glimmers” – brief enjoyable, mindful experiences – bring you that sustaining energy.  Glimmers involve pausing and experiencing through your senses.  It could be savoring that first cup of coffee in the morning with its delicious aroma, bright taste, rich color, and comforting warmth. 

Someone mentioned that her glimmer was hearing and seeing a whale close by when she was walking on the beach. 

Smell may not be the sense you want to most rely on in that encounter, and what an experience! 

A glimmer could be your child opening their arms to you for an “up” or a hug.  These are all small things, and they keep you resilient. 

The small things have a big impact.  It can be easy to disregard them, to not act on an inner message that urges you to say “hello” as you walk into a store, or to minimize them as being so small that they are irrelevant. 

I encourage you to begin to practice the small things and notice the way you feel after a week.  Be conscious of your glimmers.  Notice the marbles in the marble jar.  Make deposits in your trust account with your child.  

As Robert Brault, known as “the philosopher of everyday life," wrote, "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things".  Like Joanne showing up at my brother’s funeral.