Embracing Something New or Letting Go?

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for permission to share our Whole Hearted Parenting column!

When your child entered first grade, went off to college, or got married, were you ever advised as you processed your big feelings to “let it go”?  Did that feel satisfying?  “Letting go” is a conundrum for me.  I just don’t get it. 

When we pass through a threshold, we do step into something new.  We become the parent of a first grader, a college student, or a married person.  Stepping through that threshold may be intense, complex, and full of feeling.  What do we do with all of that?  As much as I like the theme song from Frozen, letting go isn’t a satisfying solution. 

We are wired to connect.  We are wired to belong.  Letting go feels counter intuitive to how we function.  Moving forward makes sense.  Sitting with discomfort makes sense, as does leaning in. In considering letting go, there is a resistance and blankness – there is no there there for me.  Again, I just don’t get it. 

What I do get are the integrating results of pausing, allowing, and appreciating.  As a practice in Internal Family Systems (IFS), pausing, allowing, and appreciating open the space for a transformation that takes place organically without any pressure to let go.  

In IFS, the individual is viewed as being composed of many parts along with the self.  In taking the time to get to know the parts that arise, those parts can be appreciated and embraced, allowing them to express themselves and creating the possibility of a transformation.

Let’s say that your child is entering the first grade.  You will be away from them for longer than ever before.  You may feel afraid about COVID, school safety, or your child making friends.  You may feel sad that they won’t be with you throughout the day.  This is a threshold.  People may tell you to “let go”.  Instead, consider pausing and allowing the part of you that feels afraid or sad or hurt to be present.  This may be something that you initially do with an IFS coach or therapist, particularly if trauma comes into play. 

Here is a very simple way to begin the practice.  Sit in a private, quiet place.  Be aware of your breath for a few moments.  Turn your focus inward to that part of you that has been arising. Feel it in your body, notice its location.  Is it in your belly, heart, throat, or another spot?  Ask that part of you to share what it feels.  Listen.  Ask it what it is protecting you from or what it is afraid would happen if it no longer did its job.  That is important to know.   Appreciate that part of you for all that it has done.  See the many times that it has protected you.  Let that part know that you will listen to it when you are going through a threshold and that you’ve got this situation.  Bring yourself back into the present moment.    

This is a very simplified version of the process, and as simple as it is, there can be a healing.  Again, it is safe, comforting, and highly recommended to do this, especially the first time, with an IFS coach or therapist. 

If you are advised to “let it go”, and that is a mystery for you, you are not alone.  Please consider pausing, allowing, and appreciating.  In this healing practice, there can be a liberating, integrating transformation that allows you to step through thresholds with greater fluidity and joy.