What It Means to Be Consistent

Many thanks to The Santa Fe New Mexican for allowing us to share the Whole Hearted Parenting column with you on our blog!

If I asked you for a solid rule of thumb on parenting, would “be consistent” rank in the top five?  Over the years, “being consistent” has been on many lists of best parenting practices.  What exactly does it mean, though, and is it as important as it has been made out to be? 

Having consistent responses is one of the ingredients for building secure attachment, so it is indeed very important.  That doesn’t mean that in a two-parent home both parents need to have the identical response.  It means that each individual is consistent over time.  Parents are individuals and may not be on the same page with everything.  How they model working out those differences in their parenting approaches is also important to building secure attachment. 

A friend told me the story of listening for they key in the lock when his father came home from work each day.  If it sounded one way, the coast was clear, and he could exhale.  Dad was in an OK place.  If it sounded another way, things didn’t feel safe, and he would avoid being in the room with his father.  This is an example of not being consistent.  His father’s inconsistency created dread, insecurity, and fear.  

Does being consistent mean that you cannot change your mind?  You can change your mind about a decision and still be consistent.  If you agreed that your child could attend a birthday party and then discovered that there was a COVID outbreak among the children attending, the safe thing to do is change your mind.  Changing your mind because of a behavioral issue and using your “no, you can’t go” as a punishment doesn’t support consistency. 

Does being consistent mean that you must be the same 100% of the time?  No, it means that how you show up is the same generally.  Are you generally warm, accessible, open, and loving?  Yes, we all have days when we are not, and the key word is “generally”.  If you have a moment that you regret where you might have yelled at your child, that is a time to re-establish the trust and talk about what happened. 

My friend’s story about his dad placing the key in the lock also evokes the lack of safety that comes with explosiveness or radical changes in how a parent might behave.  There was something dangerous in that one way he heard the key.  A wise protective part within him was an alert to stay safe and avert danger or harm. 

Studies have show that in a moment when our child needs us, if we understand a request and meet the need 33% of the time, we are building secure attachment.  If we don’t initially understand but we hang in there until we do 33% of the time, we are building secure attachment.  That other 33% is a place where resilience is built. 

Consistent responses are important for secure attachment, and there is flexibility there. We are humans not automatons. Use any upsets to reconnect with your child. You will then be modeling emotional resilience, another factor in secure attachment!