The Impact of Expulsion

Mark was on the verge of expulsion from his Montessori preschool, although he wasn’t aware of it.  He was being five, feeling powerful every morning as he flushed rolls of toilet paper down all six of the commodes, flooding the bathroom.  The teachers and staff were at their collective wit’s end.  They had banned him from the bathroom, told him repeatedly not to do it any longer, and expulsion seemed like the only remaining option. 

When hearing about it, I suggested that they put him in charge of making sure the bathrooms were in tiptop shape each morning.  They initially balked because they saw a rascal.  They soon saw a child who wanted to lead.   

Mark took his new job very seriously.  The floods ceased.  There was no expulsion. 

Expulsion carries a significant impact.  If your child has been expelled from their summer program or school, you know the impact.  If you were expelled as a child, you know the impact.   

The American Psychological Association states, “Many people are unaware that preschool suspensions and expulsions dwarf those during grades K through 12 by a factor of more than three to one.  Expulsions and suspensions from our early care and education programs show significant racial and gender disparities.”   

The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) informs us that “expulsion in early childhood education is not an intervention. Over a decade of research and data tell us that the policies and practices of suspension and expulsion in early childhood, which disproportionately affect children of color, are causing harm to children and families.” 

Preschool or summer programs may be a child’s first exposure to “organized education”.  “First times” are daunting.  Their skills for engaging in relationships, expressing themselves, and self-regulation are just budding.  In addition, many programs are understaffed, and the staff may not have received training in best practices for addressing disruptive behavior, aggression, bullying, and harm.  And we can do better. 

This is a complex issue.  Yet, I want to present some possibly new perspectives to consider. 

Tell children what you want them to do not what you want them to not do.  For example, the Montessori staff had banned Mark from the bathroom (“Don’t go in there”) and had told him to stop the behavior (without an alternative).  Young children, seeking to be powerful, will of course do the don’t!  Without an alternative or two options from which to choose, they will continue the behavior that is disruptive because it creates a pseudo sense of power.  

Have curious, non-punitive conversations at calm times about what happened.  For instance, if Sally bit Jane, get curious about Sally’s behavior.  Frame any discussion about biting in terms of safety not in terms of rules.  Biting isn’t a safe choice.  Biting hurts.  Provide Sally with alternatives to biting without saying, “Use your words”.  Young children don’t know what that means.  If they could “use their words”, they would.   

Ask Sally what she wanted to happen and what she wanted to express.  Possibly, Sally wanted to play with something that Jane didn’t want to share.  Sally expressed her displeasure and frustration with a bite.  Identify and validate the feeling (i.e., anger, sadness, or hurt).  Give Sally the words to use, such as “I don’t like it when you don’t share.  When can I play with the toy?”.   

Let Sally know that there are other options including talking to you if she needs support, playing with another toy, or playing with the toy with Jane if Jane is willing. Finally, ask Sally what she chooses to do and if she is willing to take biting off the table as an option.  Recognize Sally for how she listened and for making a safe, productive choice. 

Find ways for children to lead.  Young children are searching for ways to get their need to be powerful (influential) met.  When they feel angry, hurt, frustrated, or sad, they may resort to force such as pushing or biting because they don’t know another way.  Finding a way for them to lead allows them to experience their own agency in a healthy way, just as Mark did. 

Avoid blaming, judging, or labelling a child.  If expelled or on the verge of expulsion, a child is probably already blaming themselves, saying “I don’t belong there”, “I’m bad”, or “People don’t like me”.  Let them know that what happened is not a reflection of who they are.  They simply have something new to learn.  Those labels also keep you locked into seeing the child as a perpetrator rather than as a youngster who is growing and learning.  Labels lessen your influence.    

Consider training.  Those working in preschools and summer programs can always benefit from training so that expulsion can be avoided.  Parents can benefit from coaching or a parenting course.  New perspectives, new options, and knowing that you are not alone in experiencing the challenges of raising a child are all supportive. 

The impact of expulsion can be profound.  HeadStart.gov says, “Expelling young children from school or summer programs severely hinders their social-emotional development, causes chronic school aversion, and increases the likelihood of future academic struggles.”  

Keep in mind the tender hearts and the developing sense of self of those you guide.  What you choose matters.