Assisting Your Child in Developing Their Agency
/Your child’s sense of their own agency is related to their confidence and resiliency. It is tied to the embodied experience of their power in the world, their awareness of their ability to influence and effect change. It provides the buoyancy to make the repair in relationships when there is a rupture. It allows them to be assertive, take risks, set boundaries, and to be self-supporting rather than self-abandoning.
It is pretty darned important, and children start developing their sense of agency at an early age. Seeing the vital importance, here are ways for you to foster your child’s agency:
Guide them in making the repair in relationships. Relationships along with one’s agency are strengthened by making a repair that goes beyond an apology. The repair states what the other person can count on you for in the future. It is recognition of the impact of what happened, what you learned, how you feel, and how you commit to responding down the road. For instance, if you yelled at your child, a repair may look like sitting down together and sharing that you did not like your behavior, you love them, they do not deserve to be yelled at, and they can count on you to pause before speaking in the future. Allow them time to state how they feel and what they would like.
Give them choices from an early age. You want your child to make self-supporting decisions. Parents even say as their teen goes out the door, “Make healthy decisions”. If your child has never had the opportunity to practice making decisions, they will have no idea what that means. Begin with concrete choices such as “Do you want to wear your sneakers or your cowboy boots today?”. Ask them what they prefer for a vegetable with dinner, broccoli or carrots? As they age, ask them what they need to be able to focus on their homework. Ask how they would like you to support them in researching colleges. Get creative!
Have conversations that value their input, feelings, preferences, and opinions. If your conversations are all about telling them what to do (what you want), you will never know what they prefer. Ask for their feedback about a movie. Ask how they feel about something coming up, like a trip your family is planning. Ask for their opinion about a decision that you are making.
Be kind about mistakes with your child and with yourself. The outer voice of a significant adult can become the inner critic of a young child. Let your voice become their inner support. Ask curious questions that guide them to assess their choices without judgement and to explore ways they might choose to do it differently the next time.
Avoid power struggling by letting them lead. A friend once told me that she had never met anyone who power struggled who was not a leader. I have found that to be true, too. If your child power struggles over doing chores, homework, getting ready for school, or going to bed, find a creative way to put them in charge. Then acknowledge their leadership.
I once did teacher development training for the staff of a Montessori school in Florida. They were at their wits end with a young boy on the cusp of being expelled. Every morning, he went into the bathroom where in each stall he placed a roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flushed. It was volcanic! The room flooded, and he felt powerful. They were spending huge sums of time and energy vigilantly trying to keep him out of the bathroom. My suggestion was to put him in charge of the bathroom, letting them know each morning if it was in tip-top shape. They were horrified at the suggestion! Because it was their last-ditch effort before expulsion, they agreed to try it out. It took courage for them to watch him walk into the bathroom the next day, and fortunately, it worked! There were no more volcanic happenings ever again. All because they allowed him to lead.
By providing opportunities for children to stretch their skills, lead, make decisions, and feel valued, you are creating rich soil in which their sense of agency will flourish.