Guiding Your Teen to Build Healthy Relationships

Trust, safety, listening, introspection, repair, and predictability were the six key components of a healthy relationship that we talked about in our last column.  I hope that you identified other qualities that you value.  Check in with your teen to learn what they value in relationships.  Who do they feel comfortable with, safe with, and trusting with and why? 

Now that you are clear on what constitutes healthy relationships, let’s begin to discuss how you can provide guidance for your teen in building them.  There are three important points to keep in mind as you do this. 

First, we all have the need to experiment and explore, and you see that in abundance during the teen years.  In fulfilling that need, we experience more, expand our social network, and learn more about the world.  Experimenting and exploring benefits everyone including teenagers.  With teens, you may hear a lot about risk taking which peaks in the decade between fifteen and twenty-five and about impulsivity, which peaks around fifteen.  There may be dangers associated with risk taking and impulsivity, and they also serve a purpose – they allow your teen to gain experience, meet more people, learn more about themselves, understand their capabilities, and notice what they are drawn to.  Seeing the purpose can help you frame your discussions so that you are heard and are more influential, especially when talking about safety.

Second, the best time to discuss relationships, or anything for that matter, is when your teen comes to you.  For example, if you don’t like your child’s friend Joan, letting them know a litany of reasons why Joan is a “bad influence” while you are driving in the car or eating dinner will probably not be met warmly.  Claiming that another person is a “bad influence” also implies that your teen is “at their mercy” or a victim of the friend without their own agency to do anything about it.  Not such an encouraging message! 

If they come to you saying they feel uncomfortable with something that Joan said or did, you have a golden opportunity for a discussion.  The opportunity for you is to listen rather than moralize.  You can then assist them in defining what they value in friendships and how they want to handle it. 

If they don’t come to you, you can begin a discussion with a statement about what you value in one of your friends.  For instance, you can say, “I had a great conversation with my friend Alice today.  She always has such a great perspective on things.  She is also a great listener.  I find it reassuring to hear her thoughts on things.”  You can ask a broad question such as “Do you have a friend that you really appreciate?”  From there, you can get more specific, asking what she appreciates about Joan. 

Third, guiding your child is a process with multiple discussions.  It is not a “one and done” situation.  Have patience, be curious, and focus on listening. 

You will guide your child in two ways – through discussions and through their observations of you.  Your children learn from you even when you don’t know they are looking!  How you handle breaches of trust, how you set boundaries, how you listen to others, and how you show up in your relationships influence your teen’s view of a “healthy relationship”.  The people you maintain relationships with impact your teen’s perceptions.  That means that this is a terrific time to focus on the health of your relationships.   

In your discussions, it is worthwhile to have a common language.  Teach your teen about trust and the language around trust.  Brené Brown’s BRAVING Inventory is a great resource.  She uses the word “BRAVING” as an acronym for the seven ingredients that make up trust – Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Nonjudgement, and Generosity.  You can download and print it from https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-braving-inventory/. 

The beauty of the BRAVING Inventory is that it breaks down the concept of trust into understandable and meaningful nuggets.  Instead of simply saying, “I lost trust” or “They are not trustworthy”, you are able to identify specifically what aspect of trust was breached.  That not only provides clarity, but it also sets up the possibility of repair.  For example, if that pesky Joan was to sleep over at your house but instead went to a party without informing your daughter – meaning she was a no-show causing some concern and hurt feelings – the discussion becomes centered on reliability.  It can widen into your daughter exploring if she wants to continue the relationship or not, how she would like to handle it, and of course, how she feels.   

Because teenagers are learning about trust, they are not masterful when it comes to navigating situations that involve a breach of trust.  They have huge feelings when that happens.  Guiding your teen to understand the aspects of trust and how trust is built makes for more safety when a rupture happens.  They have the language to talk about it.  They can name what happened, which offers a bit of relief from their distress. 

Writing about this topic could fill a book!  Other helpful resources to guide your teen include teaching them about their nervous system and how it supports them.  That will give them additional language especially when big feelings arise.  Also, the practice of self-compassion will go a long way towards building self-confidence and their trust in their own agency.  Your openness and faith in them will provide the safety they need as they expand their reach in the world of friendship.  Never underestimate the value of your guidance!