The Key Components of Healthy Relationships
/The mom of a teen recently asked me if I would offer a program about guiding teenagers to build healthy relationships. As her daughter establishes friendships and more intimate relationships, mom wants her to confidently make healthy choices – to choose folks who will enrich her life, be respectful, and “add to” her well-being rather than “distract or detract from”.
Prior to discussing how to provide that guidance, it is wise to be clear on what constitutes a healthy relationship. That clarity will support you in having conversations with your teenager and in ultimately providing guidance. Let’s talk about six key components of healthy relationships. Afterwards, I encourage you to take some time to consider and write down what other aspects of healthy relationships are important for you.
The foundation of all relationships is trust, so trust is the overarching component of a healthy relationship. Trust provides safety, which your system needs to be able to learn, to engage, to create, to cooperate, and to respond compassionately. Trust is established when you set clear boundaries and they are respected as well as when you, in turn, listen to and respect the boundaries of the other person.
Accountability is tied to trust. Accountability means that you own it when you make a mistake and you then make amends. Also related to trust is maintaining confidentiality and not talking about others behind their backs. You share only what is yours to share not what you know about someone else that is theirs to share.
Teenagers are learning about trust and how trust is created. They are learning to be trustworthy. They are not masters of setting and respecting boundaries, taking accountability, or maintaining confidentiality. They are not highly skilled in being objective witnesses rather than judges, in assessing their own capabilities so that they can be reliable, or in seeing themselves and others beyond how they are showing up in the moment. Understanding that they are learning these things right now can assist you in having a higher and broader point of view about their behavior so that their inconsistencies are less triggering and more understandable.
Listening is another key component of a healthy relationship. When two people are willing to respectfully and actively listen, each person will feel heard and validated. For parents of teens, it is particularly important to listen more and “fix” less. Let curiosity come into play. Be genuinely curious about your teen’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, and actions. Drop any agenda that you might have and simply listen.
Notice in your own relationships where you feel heard. Do you have friends who pause, take the time to hear all that you have to say, and recognize how you feel? Is that kind of listening reciprocated by you?
Being willing to be introspective influences the depth of the relationship. When each person looks at their part, sees their contribution, and notices where they can learn, both people benefit. Blame is dropped by the wayside as one practices self-compassionate introspection. We don’t grow in isolation. We grow in relationship with others.
Conflict happens. The subsequent repair is what strengthens the relationship. The ability to repair – to acknowledge one’s part, to make amends, to re-establish the relationship, to express needs, to set boundaries, to commit to showing up in a way that creates safety, to let the other person know what they can count on you for – builds an even more solid, trustworthy connection. It is not the absence of conflict that denotes a strong relationship. It is the repair.
Predictability in a relationship provides a more secure connection as well. Volatility doesn’t feel safe. This doesn’t mean that you never feel upset, act spontaneously, or change your mind. It means that your expectations of how someone will behave or respond are met most of the time. Predictability is not robotic or rigid. It has a flow of behaviors that create connection.
Now it is your turn to add to these six components. What else is important to you? What is important to your teen? Other things to consider are shared interests, humor, dynamism, common values, feeling cared for, and emotional resilience. Discover what is important for you.
Keep in mind that those important components that feel lacking in a current relationship can be nurtured and developed. That is why finding clarity is so valuable.
By the way, the two-part program “Guiding Your Teen to Build Healthy Relationships” is happening on March 18th and 25th over Zoom. Check the Whole Hearted Parenting website shop for details and consider joining in!