Making Friends with Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic – the voice within that sounds the alarm when you may be edging into trouble – is intrinsically tied to your beliefs about making mistakes.  That voice implies that you screwed up, are not enough, are too much, or don’t belong.  It is brimming with judgement.  It calls you names.  It makes you feel small.    

Even though you may want that voice to shut up, pipe down, zip it, and put a sock in it, I am going to suggest a different strategy which may initially sound counter intuitive.  I am going to suggest this strategy for your children who may have a harsh inner critic that keeps nagging at their tender sense of Self.    

What is the strategy? Make friends with your inner critic and guide your children to make friends with theirs.   

For those of you who believe that people – including children - need to first feel worse to behave better, this may sound like a stunningly ridiculous suggestion.  For you, please give some thought to these statistics about our criminal justice system which is based on the concept of punishment as a deterrent.  The Council on Criminal Justice reports that between 70% and 80% of released prisoners are rearrested within five years, and reincarceration rates during the three-year period following release from prison hover around 40%.  If feeling bad were a potent agent of change, those statistics would be very different. 

With an inner critic (IC) that is punitive and discouraging, why would you want to do anything but silence it?  The bad news - your IC will not be silenced.  The more you attempt to do so, the louder it becomes.  It is willing to scream.  Because the purpose of your inner critic is to keep you safe, it is wired to maintain its job.  Its means of keeping you safe may not feel good, and it will not be deterred from its mission. 

The good news – your IC can be transformed.  Its tone of voice and messaging can be elevated to that of an advocate.  Advocacy is part of its hard-wired mission.  You are transforming the delivery to one that is more mature, nuanced, and supportive.  

Befriending your IC leads to the transformation.  Your IC is a part of you.  Understanding that part of you invites the job change, the antagonist-to-advocate shift. 

Understanding your beliefs about making mistakes assists in the transformation.   To discover your beliefs about mistakes, consider two things: (1) what happened as you were growing up when you or someone else made a mistake and (2) what happens with your body, thoughts, and feelings when you make a mistake as an adult.   

If you feared punishment as a child, making mistakes was considered wrong or bad.  If you currently hide mistakes, avoid making them at all costs, feel shame, or experience a constriction in your body as if responding to a threat (fight, flight, fawn, or collapse), making mistakes is still wrong or bad; therefore, if you make a mistake, you are bad.  That’s not good!  More importantly, that is not true. 

The truth is that we all make mistakes and will continue to make them.  It is how we learn.  It is how your children are learning right now. Believing that mistakes are bad is putting yourself or your child in a prison with viciously high recidivism rates. 

Do not underestimate your influence as your child’s belief system is developing.  Your beliefs about mistakes impact what your child believes about them.  Your outer voice when you make a mistake can become their inner critic. 

A big part of befriending your IC is seeing and feeling how it has had the purpose of protecting you, even with its critical delivery.  The message has been harsh, and the intention has been to provide safety.  Can you see and appreciate that aspect of your IC?  

Befriending your IC involves shifting your focus inward and noticing your IC’s voice when it comes online.  Begin a conversation with your IC, asking what it is protecting you from.  What is it afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job?  Ask, “Would it consider speaking with you differently?”  Listen to your IC’s responses.  Please note that this is a process which may initially sound wacky, and it is one that you don’t have to do alone.  Consider coaching or counseling to get you going. 

Would you like to upgrade the way you view mistakes and transform your relationship with your inner critic?  If so, I invite you to consider attending “The Power of Oops” happening over Zoom in May.  There is power in transforming your IC into a compassionate champion.  There is power in upping your capacity to guide your child to see mistakes as growth and to know that their inner voice can be their biggest cheerleader.  Please visit https://wholeheartedparenting.com/shop/power-of-oops for details and registration.