When Your Adult Child Plans to Move Far Away

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Dear Maggie –

My 27-year-old son is planning to move all the way across the country with his girlfriend.  I am very upset about this and have told him so.  I’ve expressed my concern that he is not capable of making this move and will regret leaving his family.  The discussions become ugly arguments.  I don’t think he can do things on his own.  What shall I do or tell him? 

Signed –

Upset Mom 

Dear Upset Mom –

Your son leaving home is a big deal.  It can feel scary for both of you, and an overwhelming number of questions may bubble up for you.  What is my purpose now that my son is grown and leaving home?  How will I spend my time?  For those of us who fulfilled our need to be valuable – to make a contribution – in large part by raising our child, how can we now be valuable in new and different yet meaningful ways?   Even though a part of us may realize that we raise our children to live the life of their dreams, when it means going away from us, especially far away, it is a huge shift.  You are embarking on a hero’s journey.   

Your son is embarking on a hero’s journey as well.  To learn more about supporting him on that journey, please see our column on that very topic.  He is leaving people, a life, routines, and things that are all highly familiar on his journey to a place that is new and unfamiliar.  That takes a lot of courage. 

The whirlwind of feelings that arise for you make sense, and those feelings are yours to identify and process.  Expressing them to your son in conversations that devolve into arguments only ignite them further.  Things will then land as blame, control, or manipulation.  He will feel discouraged rather than inspired to talk to you about his dreams, desires, and plans.  Rather than attempting to change his mind or berating him for this decision, shift your focus to what is happening within you.  Curiosity is the key. 

Here are four ideas to assist you: 

1.    Please find someone to talk with about this, be it a friend, coach, or therapist.  There is a lot going on inside of you.  The narrative that you are telling yourself about this move sounds highly triggering.  A therapist or coach can help you to discover all that lies beneath the big feelings you are having and to uncover the narrative that is driving your response.   

A part of that narrative may be some old beliefs that now skew your view of your son’s decision to move.  For example, “My son would not leave home or move away from me if he loved me.”  Others may include the following: 

  • Once he moves, I will never see him again.

  • You fail without your family beside you so he will fail and have no one to help him.

  • He can’t do anything on his own.

  • If he loved his family, he would not leave us.

  • If I were a good parent, he would not want to leave.

  • I am a failure. 

None of these beliefs support you.  I doubt that any are true.  Yet, they can hijack your response, cloud your view, and block closeness with your son.   

2.    Avoid discouraging your son.  Telling your adult son that he is not capable of making his planned move is highly discouraging.  Have faith in him and in how you raised him.  This is an opportunity to explore what may be getting in the way of you seeing your son as a capable adult.  Getting curious about his plans rather than judging them or being determined to change them can lighten the energy and soften your conversations.  A therapist or coach can assist you with this. 

3.    Practice compassion.  Speak kindly to yourself and to your son.  Everyone will benefit from kindness, empathy, respect, and understanding.  If conversations turn into arguments, take a break then begin fresh. 

4.    Expand your own horizons by finding new ways to be valuable.  This takes time, energy, and consideration.  Take a class, begin a hobby, expand your social circle, teach others something that you know, join a book club, learn something new, and enjoy the company of friends.  Deepen and explore your faith.  Focus on taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  As your son expands his world, you can expand yours, too! 

Although it may not initially look like it, this is an opportunity for growth and greater closeness for you both.  Begin to see yourself and your son in new, positive ways as you both move through this significant and sacred threshold.