Nurturing Confidence
/We are happy to share our latest column from The Santa Fe New Mexican with you! [This is about how to nurture confidence in your children. If you are interested in nurturing your own confidence, embrace the three ideas for yourself. Even the concepts about encouragement (self-encouragement) and force apply to ourselves. See what inspires you and where you are applying yourself.]
Confidence is a buoyancy that allows us to maneuver challenges, take healthy risks, enjoy what we are doing even more, and stretch ourselves. Brené Brown defines grounded confidence as "a powerful sense of self that comes from an accurate analysis of what we've done and what we can do". Because confidence is typically not something we are consciously taught, how do we nurture it in our children?
In this column, I will introduce three ways to nurture confidence in your children.
Begin with you. What we model for our children matters. A young woman in a recent workshop on confidence said that her role model for confidence was her mother. How great that she gets to observe and absorb every day! If your confidence could use a boost, apply the concepts that we talk about here to yourself first. Take Brené Brown’s definition to heart and pause to take an “accurate analysis” of what you’ve done and what you can do. Carried out as a kind inquiry rather than an inquisition, you may find many things that you have done and many ways in which you’ve developed yourself. Take the time to acknowledge your accomplishments, skills, and growth.
Encourage practice and recognize progress. We are rarely skilled at something when we begin. If we assess ourselves at the starting point, we may see what we cannot do or cannot do well. We may not feel competent; however, with practice, we become more capable and skilled. By noting our improvement, our confidence rises.
Acknowledge your child’s progress in reading, writing, resolving upsets with friends, making decisions, and any other area where they may be practicing, such as playing the piano, studying dance, or painting pictures. A simple, “Those scales are sounding smooth!” or “You are getting your heels down when you jump!”, can go a long way.
This is not about forcing your child to practice the piano when they are not interested. Encouragement and force feel very different, so notice if you are engaging in power struggles about practicing. Instead, recognize their progress, even if it is small, in the areas where they are inspired and applying themselves. For example, when our daughter was in middle school, she was very interested in drawing. She watched YouTube videos about drawing eyes and began practicing. Pages in her sketch book were covered in eyes, clearly displayed from start to finish. The progress was amazing. We enjoyed acknowledging her dedication, practice, and curiosity. We didn’t focus on the quality of the final product but the progress and grit in learning.
Encourage repair when discord happens. When your child has a disagreement with a friend or sibling, guide them to repair the upset. By asking questions, they will be able to decide how they wish to handle it. Consider asking “How would you handle this differently the next time?”; “Is forgiveness called for?”; “What did you learn from this experience?”; or “What would you like to do to make amends?” Through repair of the disconnect, they will gain confidence in building relationships.
Demonstrate repair when there is an upset between the two of you. Getting ready for school was one hotspot for us as our daughter was growing up. There were days I felt frustrated and days (maybe weeks!) that we got into power struggles. I would take a pause and then suggest that we start over. Thankfully, she always agreed! Starting over was a repair. We both recognized that we felt disconnected. We would also talk about it later and see how we would like to do it differently the next morning.
Children learn from watching parents repair their upsets as well as from being guided to repair their own. The repair creates trust and deeper connections, and your child feels more confident being in close relationships, knowing they can handle differing opinions, arguments, and big feelings.
May these three ideas offer encouragement!