Is Disrespect a Trigger for You?

In his book Brainstorm, The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dr. Dan Siegel vulnerably shared an interaction with his son who had returned home after graduating from college.  There had been an exchange about tidiness, and afterwards, both Dan and his wife agreed that they wanted to handle the situation sensitively without simply blurting out demands for their son to clean up.  Of course, thinking, “Don’t blurt out demands” totally primes us for blurting out demands.  Dan again mentioned tidying up to his son, who replied that “it was not really a big deal” to leave a few things on the counter.  Frustrated, Dan then said, “This is our house, not yours. And these are our rules.  If you want to live here, you’ll need to respect our requests.”  Then he suggested that his son get his own apartment. 

Dan wrote, “I felt terrible right away.  That evening I felt heavy and drained and irritated with myself.  It wasn’t so much about the issue of rules and cleanliness, it was the proclamation that this was not his home.  That was just plain insensitive and over the top.  It was just wrong.” 

I identify with Dan because, truth be told, I said almost the exact words about the exact thing to our daughter when she was back at home after graduating from college.  I, too, felt “terrible right away”.  My words created such a harsh distance between us, and I didn’t mean it.  I loved having her at home, tidy kitchen or no tidy kitchen.

We have all reacted from a trigger and regretted what we said or did.  That regret is a clue to having been triggered.  There are other indicators that a trigger was in the driver’s seat, too.  Your reaction was strong and quick without any pause for consideration of options.  Your feelings of sadness, hurt, fear, or anger were large and all-consuming.  You may have had thoughts such as, “Who do they think they are?”  Those thoughts lead us to “put someone in their place”.  None of these feel good; however, the process doesn’t end in despair.  It ends in repair.

Respect is reciprocal.  That reciprocity begins with how we treat our children, and that becomes a new dance when our child becomes a toddler and especially when they reach adolescence.  Autonomy is paramount for a child during those ages.  Anything perceived as restricting in an unjust, unfair, or personal way is seen and felt as a threat to their own agency, and they feel it with great intensity.  

To repair, empathize by seeing things from your child’s perspective.  Dan and his son had a discussion about “what it was like to be at his stage of life, twenty-two years old and transitioning from college to working life, about going from being a kid at home to an adult in the world.”  My daughter and I did the same.  It reconnected us and validated her reality.

To repair, clarify and clean up any statements that you regret.  Dan said, “This is in fact your home.  I am sorry for what I said.  Yes, you need to keep the place clean, but I was out of line to tell you to go out and get your own apartment.  I shouldn’t have said something so harsh.”  I did the same with my daughter.  It eased the sting.     

To repair, reflect on what underlies your trigger.  Give yourself the time and space to compassionately look at what is happening inside.  Begin with an awareness of what your body is telling you.  Dan noticed how heavy and drained he felt.  When my daughter was a toddler, I was stunned at how “on fire” my body felt when she said, “No” to a request.  It made sense when I took the time and space to remember how unsafe it had felt for me to refuse a request as a child.   I had interpreted my daughter’s refusal as not only disrespectful but as evidence that she did not love me.  It was a pleasure to discharge that unhelpful belief!  From that moment forward, her refusals, which were developmentally on track, did not ruffle any of my feathers.

In those moments when you have reacted from a trigger, allow yourself space and time.  Be mindful and highly respectful of your child’s agency.  Stretch to see things from their perspective.  Remember yourself at their age. Clear up any harsh words.  When in doubt about what step to take, always move towards repair.           

If you would like to explore this topic further, consider attending Gaining Respect without It Becoming a Trigger on March 18th.  This is a live event over Zoom.  Details at https://wholeheartedparenting.com/shop/respect.