The Best Steps Towards Potty Training

Dear Maggie –

What are the best steps towards potty training? 

Signed –

A.Q. 

Dear A.Q. –

Thank you for your question! 

I am going to provide some high-level suggestions and then turn it over to a dear friend, Karen Deerwester, author of The Potty Training Answer Book: Practical Answers to the Top 200 Questions Parents Ask. 

In all times of growth, newness, and change, things can feel stressful for both you and your child.  It is important to keep it light, remembering that although you are an expert on using the toilet, this is one of those scary “first times” for your child.  The toilet can be intimidating.  It is a large mechanical device that you sit on in a rather vulnerable position while it makes loud noises that imply that it might suck you down the drain!  Empathize with and dispel fears that your child might have.  Allow them to be in charge.  They can practice flushing the toilet while holding their hand or a stuffed animal over the bowl to see that there is no magical vortex pulling them in.   

Just as you didn’t pressure your child to walk – simply delighted in the event – don’t pressure your child about using the toilet.  Pressure and force will create resistance.  Mistakes will happen.  There will be good days and messy days.  It is all a part of the process.  Handle mistakes with understanding, being aware of your tone of voice, quality of touch, and words that you choose.  Keep it conversational, and you might ask open-ended questions such as, “How would you like to handle it differently the next time?”.   

Lastly, do not compare your child’s progress to that of other children.  This is not a competition or a race.  Comparisons and judgements will only add stress and pressure.   

Now, we will hear from the expert!  Here are Karen’s top three suggestions for potty training: 

1.    Potty learning is about the child, not the potty! 

2.    Watch out for power struggles. It’s no accident that potty training coincides with an age and developmental stage that children want to exert power over their choices and their world. The biggest thing I learned writing The Potty Training Answer Book and speaking with parents ever since was that power struggles may lead to a child withholding pee or poop.  Power struggles add another layer of emotional complications to an already complicated set of developmental readiness factors, not to mention parents are left feeling even more powerless. If parents feel a power struggle building, step back and pause.  Observe, reevaluate and try to honor a child’s power over their own body. See Do’s and Don’ts at https://familytimeinc.com/potty-training-dos-and-donts/ 

3.    One size potty training doesn’t fit all children and all situations. There are many developmental generalizations that most potty training situations share like developmental readiness and “naked weekends” for children to practice body awareness and interrupting daily routines to make potty stops. But a “customized” potty training approach is one that fits each child’s temperament and learning style, as well as the parents. Some children are watchful learners practicing skill-building slowly while others jump into change and mastery quickly and never look back. Potty learning is a unique and special opportunity to get to know your child and yourself as you both learn new skills. See article - https://familytimeinc.com/potty-training-know-yourself-know-your-child/ 

As you move through this time of development, remember that it is about learning, not forcing.  Find ways to manage any frustration or stress that you might be experiencing.  Keep it fun.  Allow curiosity and questions.  Know that one day, this will all be a vague memory!  I guarantee it! 

I recommend Karen’s book on potty training, which you can purchase on Amazon or on Karen’s website at https://familytimeinc.com/books/.