Practices for Greater Self-Compassion

In a previous article, I wrote about how your outer voice – what you say to your child and how you say it – can become embodied in their inner voice.  It becomes a part of their internal dialogue.  Having self-compassion when you regret what you have said or done is the balm to mending your relationship with your child and for shedding old voices that are not your own.    

Self-compassion is not just a concept.  It is something that you can do, something that you practice.  In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff writes, “Research shows not only that we can learn to be more self-compassionate, but that it radically changes our lives for the better.”  She lists the many researched-backed benefits.  “People who are more self-compassionate tend to be happier, more hopeful, and optimistic.  They’re more satisfied with their lives and grateful for what they have.  They’re less anxious, depressed, stressed, and fearful.  They’re wiser and more emotionally intelligent, can regulate their negative emotions more effectively.  They’re more resilient when faced with life challenges and have more grit and determination to reach their goals.”  The list of life-enhancements goes on, even saying that having greater self-compassion improves your health and means fewer colds! 

Your own practice of self-compassion will be a model for your children.  They will reap the benefits along with you.

To begin your practice, consider your current level of self-compassion.  In her book, Neff has a measurable test that you can take, and for now, consider your answers to the following questions: 

·       When you make a mistake, do you treat yourself with the same kindness that you do a friend? Kindness is one of the cornerstones of self-compassion.

·       Do you get to know those parts of yourself that you may not like or enjoy?  This inner mindfulness is the second foundation of self-compassion.

·       When something happens to you or you see yourself as “failing” at something, do you reflect on how others may share the same or similar experiences?  Seeing a common humanity is the third cornerstone.    

An additional part of your practice is gaining clarity about your perception of mistakes as well as how you view it when things go off course in your life.  Scrolling through social media, it may look like everyone else is happy, possibly happier than you are.  That is incredibly misleading.  People curate their posts and typically share only the bright shiny aspects of their lives.  Social media can skew your experience of “common humanity” – that understanding that we all share feelings, behaviors, and the challenges of life. 

The recognition of your own humanity also has to do with your beliefs about perfectionism.  As Neff writes, “It is more typical for us to feel cut off from others when we struggle.  Think about it.  When you blurt out that completely inappropriate remark at a meeting, or can’t pay your credit card bill, or get bad news from the doctor, it feels like something has gone wrong.  Like this isn’t supposed to be happening.  As if what’s supposed to be happening is perfection, and when things aren’t going as we would like, something abnormal has occurred.” 

Because we have been marinated in a culture that promotes perfectionism, rugged individualism, and doing it alone, we may believe that we have failed when a life challenge happens.  We were raised to believe that “we’re independent agents, that we control ourselves and our fate.  When we buy into the narrative that we’re running the show, we forget our interdependence – the truth that all our actions are carried out in a larger web of causes and conditions.”  When things go wrong, shift from a microscopic self-focused view to a broader macro view that reveals your interdependence and shared humanity. 

That shift involves a slowing down.  It involves the courage to mindfully look within.  Author and Buddhist monk Pema Chödrön advises that we “lean in” to our discomfort and suffering.  Practicing self-compassion isn’t about denying discomfort, making painful feelings go away, or striving to happy yourself up.  It is about holding yourself with friendliness and warmth.   

To deepen your practice, check out the materials and books by Kristin Neff and Dr. Chris Germer, the go-to experts in self-compassion.  Neff’s website, www.self-compassion.org, is a rich resource.  There are not only books and an audio course but also guided practices and exercises to support you in nurturing your self-compassion.  

The other day, I heard someone say that we tend to hold ourselves the way we were held as children.  Practicing self-compassion allows you to hold yourself with the love and care that you deserve.