We Teach Who We Are
/In his article, The Heart of the Teacher, Parker J. Palmer wrote, “We teach who we are.” Although this is about educators, the same could be said of how parents teach their children. It is not so much what we say. It is what our children observe us doing and how our children perceive our being. We teach who we are through our unhealed trauma. We teach through what is stored in our bodies and in our broken hearts.
Parker went on to write, “When I do not know myself, I cannot know who my students are. I will see them through a glass darkly, in the shadows of my unexamined life – and when I cannot see them clearly, I cannot teach them well.” The depth of your own self-understanding is the ticket to your understanding of your children. Knowing yourself also means an opportunity, as Mark Nepo wrote, to “heal the wounded places so we can recover the full use of our heart”.
Parents often ask me how to say something to their children so that they will listen, how to make the kind of request that their child will respect, or how to motivate them to become more responsible. It is great to have the words to use and to be encouraging; however, it cannot simply be a strategy or a means to an end. If it is the beginning of understanding yourself more deeply, it is powerful.
For example, your child is failing a class or not doing their homework. You feel exasperated or angry or unhappy with how you are responding to them. Nothing seems to be working so you search for a strategy that will work, meaning something that will interrupt the “problem” so that your child will stop failing or will start doing their homework. This approach is not satisfying because your child becomes a problem to solve rather than a human to better understand and you become a problem solver rather than someone seeking greater understanding. When you are in a “fix the problem” mode, your perspective becomes narrower and more limited.
Instead, get quiet and ask yourself some questions:
1. What am I afraid will happen if nothing changes? If your fears are about the future, such as “they will never get a good job”, breathe and reel it in to the present. If you are labeling your child – lazy, dumb, irresponsible – breathe and drop the judgement. Imagining what the future holds and labeling fuel your fears.
2. What does my child’s failure or lack of responsibility mean about me? If it means you are a failure or a bad parent, breathe and practice being kinder to yourself. Judging yourself keeps you locked into a discouraging and limited view.
3. What could be going on with my child that they are failing this class or not doing their homework? This is the beginning of the conversation with your child which happens successfully only from a place of curiosity not as a strategic move.
I encourage you to look deeper into your fears and into what your child’s behavior means about you. You may discover beliefs that you were unaware of or triggers that interfere in how you would like to be with your child and be as a parent. With this discovery, you get to know yourself better which allows you to know your child even better.
Courage and self-compassion are needed. Self-discovery requires you to be kind to yourself, to slow down and become more mindful, and to see that other parents share a very similar journey. Wouldn’t you want that for your child – to be kinder to themselves, to slow down and become more mindful and self-aware, and to see that they are not alone in having this experience? That is teaching who you are!
Parker Palmer wrote, “Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human seeks – we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” Heed the call!