Raising Kind Children
/My husband and I had had a rough month. Our dog had been hit by a car, and the injuries were so profound that it required the amputation of his left front leg. It was a physical trauma for our sweet dog and an emotional trauma for us. At dinner one night, friends spontaneously picked up our tab, knowing all that had been happening. Another friend collected donations at the dog play group we had been going to. She gifted us an envelope of cash. Another member of the play group sent us a donation privately. These acts had an impact that reached far beyond the financial one. It was the kindness that reassured us that we were not in this alone.
Kindness matters. It matters between individuals, and it matters communally in our culture. Raising a generation of kind humans can make a major difference on our planet. As Robin Hobb said, “Every small, unselfish action nudges the world into a better path. An accumulation of small acts can change the world.”
In raising kind children, what you do as a parent matters the most. It is what you model for them that has the greatest influence. Saying, “What an idiot” about someone who cut you off in traffic lands very differently from “Wow, they must be distracted. I hope they stay safe.”
Being kind means being generous. As Brene Brown mentions in her Braving Inventory, you extend “the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others”. Everyone, including you, is more than how they show up in the moment when things are not going well. That generosity of spirit – of holding people in their highest light, including yourself – registers high on the kindness scale.
Make acts of kindness a topic of conversation. Speak with your children about the acts of kindness that you observe. Create a space that welcomes sharing and invites your children to recount their experiences with kindness from their day. Bedtime and around the dinner table are terrific times to discuss kindness. If someone was kind to you, mention their actions and how you felt. If you were kind to someone, talk about how you felt and what motivated you. Let your children know when you observe their acts of kindness.
If the conversation involves acts that were unkind, discuss ways that things could have been done differently with greater kindness. Was the response based on assumptions rather than understanding what was happening with the other person? If so, get curious. Did someone take something personally? If so, take advantage of the opportunity for growth. Is there an opportunity for making amends, reaching accord, re-establishing trust? These conversations can inspire your child to explore different ways to interact and respond, expanding their confidence, perception of the world, and closeness with you.
Kindness includes how you talk to yourself – your inner voice. If you find that you are talking to yourself in a discouraging, critical, or harsh way, soften your words and speak to yourself as you would a beloved friend. If your inner critic is raging, consider therapy or coaching to enhance your self-compassion.
Remember that your outer voice can become your child’s inner voice. If your outer voice is critical, it may incite their inner critic.
Kindness applies to social media, where it is often easy to post unkind words and memes. Hostile words shape brains and thoughts. They create a culture of disconnection and violence. Words matter. Tone and meaning can be misconstrued through a text or social media post where there is no eye contact with another human, no body language or facial expressions to observe. Hit enter only after considering the kindness of your post. Teach your children to pause before posting.
Do not underestimate the power of even small acts of kindness. It could be a smile. Kind words. A soft tone. A wave to someone you know. A greeting as your child enters the room.
As Tolkien wrote in The Hobbit, “I have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”