The Game of Dethronement

A grandfather who had joyously experienced the birth of his second grandchild shared a story with me recently. 

While awaiting the birth, he and his wife were taking care of their first-born grandson.  The time came to introduce the siblings.  The older boy came into the room, scoped out the situation with mom and brother, and to the surprise of everyone, immediately pivoted and went back out the door! 

This was such a great example of “dethronement”, the experience of a child when a new one comes into the family.  It is typical.  It can also be painful for the child.  The way that you handle it impacts your child and the relationship with their sibling, so please know that it is a thing.  How you handle it can settle your child’s nervous system and inspire greater closeness with their new sibling. 

Envision your child’s orbit.  If your child is an only child, they may have been the center of your family’s universe as far back as their memory allows.  Your youngest son or daughter may be in that spot.  You have been circling around them in your own orbits.  Now, with a new sibling, all orbits will change.  This can be scary and unsettling as new orbits are re-established. 

It doesn’t have to be a sibling who dethrones your child.  I was dethroned by my grandmother when she came to live with our family when I was thirteen.  No matter who the new individual is, there is a sense of being replaced or made less significant within the family dynamic. 

Begin with many conversations.  Ahead of the birth or of a child entering your family, discuss the changes that will be happening.  Be open to hearing about feelings, all feelings.  Be open to all of your own feelings which could range from elated to terrified.  Include your child in discussing important topics such as names for the new sibling, where they will sleep, how they will act, and their needs.  Ask your child how they feel, what they are looking forward to, and what they may fear or dislike. 

Make one of your conversations with your child about how they came into your family.  Talk about who was there, who was involved, who helped.  Look at pictures and share how important they are to you.  Emphasize that nothing can change that. 

Ask them how they would like to welcome their sibling.  Do they want to write a note, sing a song, hold them, give a gift, or do something else that expresses who they are?   My older brother gave infant me a handwritten note on lined paper with pennies taped to it.  He wanted me to have a little spending money! 

Welcome engagement.  Let your child know how important their own input is with everything that you discuss.  Encourage their participation in planning, purchasing things for their new sibling, and preparing their room.  Their engagement also ties in with meeting their need to be valuable. 

Meet needs.  The need to belong and the need to be powerful are disrupted by dethronement.  Orbits are wobbling, and your child’s connection with you may feel tenuous.  Everyone may feel somewhat powerless. 

Look for ways for your child to assist.  If you are preparing a nursery or room, allow them to help paint, help move furniture, make decisions about where to hang a framed photo, or where to place toys – whatever is age-appropriate.  

Look for ways for your child to lead, especially if you are noticing that power struggles are happening more frequently.  Have them make the choice between two paint colors that you like or two outfits that you have chosen. 

Speak their love language often.  Spend time just with your child.  Prepare their favorite dessert.  Leave love notes or small gifts for them.  Tell them how much you love them with words or hugs. 

Understand subsequent behavior.  You may hear your child say, “I hate him.  Take him back.”  Avoid responding with, “No, you don’t really feel that way!” or “How dare you be so mean!”  The first response discounts their feelings and the other judges them as “bad” possibly adding shame to the mix.  

Instead, look for the feelings behind the words.  You might say, “I hear that you are not liking your brother very much right now.  What’s going on?”  That can be the beginning of an enriching conversation that takes the wobble out of their new orbit. 

Dethronement is real.  Your child is searching for new ways to get their needs met, to stay connected, and to stay safe as your family makes a large shift.  Attune to them so that your child knows that they will always be a bright star in your family constellation.