Raising Resilient, Confident Children in a Scarcity Culture

“I would like my child to become an adult who is hobbled by shame, disconnected from others, and saturated in harsh self-judgement,” said no parent ever.

Yet, in our scarcity culture – a concept outlined by Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly – we marinate in a world of shaming events, comparison, and disengagement.  Those three – shame, comparison, and disengagement – are the hallmarks of a scarcity culture as defined by Brown, and they do not nurture resiliency, confidence, and connection, which most of us desire for our children and ourselves. 

There are ways to counter-act or neutralize the impact of scarcity so that your children become confident, engaged adults brimming with self-compassion.  Here are a few ideas to consider.  

Recognize and understand shame. Shame differs from guilt.  Guilt says, “I did something bad.”  Shame says, “I am bad.” 

Shame is about worthiness, belonging, and lovability.  Shame shuns, kicks one off the island, and excludes from the tribe. 

Because we are wired to connect, shaming stabs at our sense of safety and belonging.  Early childhood shame can be stored in the body as trauma, which is why as an adult experiencing shame, you may feel so small and young. 

Secrecy is tied in with shame, keeping us silent about what occurred.  Sharing a shame event with a trusted, empathetic, compassionate friend or family member is the key to neutralizing it. 

The more you value, model, and welcome listening and sharing in your family, the more likely your children will come to you to talk about another child shaming them at school, an adult shaming them in front of a group, failing a test, or any other shame event.

As Brene Brown says, a shame event does not have to become an identity event.  If there is a counter balance of empathy, hope, belonging, respect, vulnerability, love, listening, encouragement, and trust, shame can be shared, heard, and processed.  

Avoid judgement and comparison with others.  Judging and making comparisons – for example, saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” – pits people against one another and leads to “not good enough” and “never good enough” thinking.  It creates a system of constant ranking where you are looking outside of yourself for your self-worth.

When you are focused on out-doing someone else, you lose sight of your own strengths and your own agency.  People become adversaries.  When others are seeking to out-do you, you are not fully seen and heard. 

Building cooperation among those focused on out-doing one another is challenging, including in families, in corporations, and in cultures.  Comparisons rule out compassion and self-compassion.  Judging intensifies shame. 

Stay engaged.  For parents, engagement means that you take pauses before responding rather than give a knee jerk reaction, you seek to understand your children rather than base your conclusions on assumptions, you are curious and ask connecting questions, and you are willing to look at yourself and show up vulnerably. 

Children do not need perfection from you.  They need engagement. 

Recently someone shared that when she was struggling in college and spoke to one of her professors about why her grades were falling, he abruptly dismissed her with the curt suggestion that she keep her private and school lives separate.  What stung the most was his lack of engagement. 

By understanding and recognizing shame, avoiding comparisons and judgement, and staying engaged, you will not only create an environment for your children that fosters resiliency, confidence, and connection, but you will also become more resilient, confident, and connected yourself. 

What a brilliant bonus!