Self-Care May Look Different as a Parent
/A new mom asked recently, “How do you motivate yourself to exercise at the gym? I plan the time, arrange the child care, and then I am so unmotivated to go that I just stay home.” Self-care, including exercise and time spent alone to re-charge, may look very different when you become a parent!
My response to that mom was to rest. Take a nap. Read a book. Walk in nature.
Caring for a child who is dependent upon you for everything, including their own survival, takes focus, love, and a lot of energy. We may not even be aware of how tapped out we are.
Some clues that you are drained include fatigue, irritability, more frequent arguments with your spouse or partner, lack of motivation, and feeling unappreciated. You may think “not enough” thoughts such as, “I don’t have enough time” or “I don’t have enough help.”
What is the remedy for the lack of motivation on this 24-hour a day amazing new voyage that you find yourself on? How do you exercise and refresh your energy? Here are some suggestions:
Normalize rest. In our culture, the message is to put rest last and to be productive until you drop; however, rest is vital! Rest restores and revives us. By resting, we have the energy we need to be the parent that we want to be. We are more flexible and more understanding when we are rested. Normalize rest as your first resort not your last.
Listen to your body and notice your state of being. If your body feels heavy or your thinking is cloudy or you feel resentful, listen to and honor the message. Take a break. Lie down. Take several deep breaths. Slow it down. Ask for assistance.
Know that it will look and feel different after becoming a parent and that that is OK. Comparing yourself to the individual you were before parenthood – maybe going to the gym four days a week, being highly engrossed in working out, or being solely focused on a career – creates stress and doesn’t support you. Now, your time is different; your focus is different; your priorities are different. That is all OK.
Make arrangements for things to get done without your direct participation. A friend once told me that you can make sure things get done without doing it all yourself. If you can, hire someone to clean your house. Order your groceries online so that you can simply pick them up or have someone pick them up for you. Hire a neighborhood teen to regularly walk your dog or do your laundry.
Become more OK with chaos. This was the most challenging one for me. “More OK” rather than “totally OK” works! The unmade beds, toys scattered everywhere on the floor, piles of laundry, and unwashed dishes on the counter, all beckoned me to take care of them! Be assured that those dishes and that laundry and those beds will still be there when you decide to spend your energy on any of those endeavors.
Check out if you are judging yourself about the chaos or demanding of yourself to “do it all”. There may be a “you should be able to do it all and if you don’t you are not good enough” message in there somewhere. That message is false! You absolutely don’t have to do it all. Really. For sure. I swear.
The time with your children is beautiful and sacred. It is a time that can never be reclaimed. It is a time to connect and deepen your relationship.
If you notice that you are comparing yourself to your pre-parent self, practice some self-compassion. Keep in mind that you are the model of self-care for your child. Allow them to see you resting, pausing, and listening to your body. Most importantly, allow yourself to receive the vitality gained from resting and the serenity gained from being rather than doing.