Supporting a Child Who Has Spiritual Sensibilities or Heightened Sensitivities

My friend, Amy Utsman, clearly remembers sitting up in bed, smiling, and feeling incredibly excited seeing her mother standing in the doorway.  Amy was two or three years old, and her mother had passed away several months prior.  This experience was such a comfort to her.  For Amy, many more experiences were on the horizon, culminating in a career as a psychic medium.  

Pew Research Center, which is highly rated for factual reporting and minimal bias, reported that “around half of U.S. adults (53%) say they’ve been visited by a dead family member in a dream or some other form” including “having felt their presence or communicated with them”.  Child psychologists have reported that this is very common for children, and a Barna Group study discovered that “more than two million teens say they have communicated with a dead person (10%)”.  

This may drum up memories of films such as The Sixth Sense, in which Cole Spear’s famous line was “I see dead people”.  Fortunately for Amy, she never felt afraid, although some children do.  Her visitors didn’t make demands or act frightening.  Amy could set boundaries with them.  Unlike Cole, she didn’t ask someone else to make them go away. 

Hollywood, in its inimitable way, creates fear of spiritual experiences just as it does of children with adoption experiences.  Simply recall Orphan or Ride or Die in which the “adoption fails” become assassins.  In these cases, the child or the situation is portrayed as inherently evil, witchy, out of control, or “crazy”.  I am not sure if this creates or simply reflects a cultural bias. 

Amy, raised by her second mother, once asked her, “Who are all of the faces you see at night?”  Her mom “freaked out”.  Similarly, Laura Lynne Jackson thought that everyone could see auras because as a child, she could.  In her book, The Light Between Us, she details her initially frightening experiences with the spirit world.  What buoyed her was the support of her mother, who normalized her experiences by sharing that others in their family had had this gift. 

There are also children with heightened sensitivities and empathic gifts.  My daughter felt overwhelmed by the noise, energy, and crowding in the echo-filled halls of her high school.  As a highly sensitive young person, she used practices to soothe and protect her nervous system between classes. 

How you respond to a child who has these sensibilities – be it an imaginary friend, heightened feelings, deep sensitivities, or communication with those who have passed – matters because their experiences may leave them feeling different, on the fringe, or overwhelmed. 

Parents with children having these experiences may be highly concerned.   Relief can come from greater understanding and the knowledge that they and their child are not alone.  Please avoid going down the Hollywood path or assuming that this is “a diagnosable condition”.  

Here are some guidelines for supporting a child’s well-being and providing parents with well-deserved peace of mind. 

Believe your child.  Your child looks to you for validation, recognition, and acknowledgement.  You may not experience what they do or as intensely as they do, and please validate their unique experience.  Rather than writing it off, minimizing it, or ignoring it, validate it.  Avoid saying things like “It is only in your imagination”.  Instead, Amy suggests saying, “Tell me everything you see.”  If this is causing your child anxiety or distress, consider consulting a therapist.  

Process your own feelings around it.  Because it is the adult’s job to assist the child in feeling more at ease with who they are and what they are experiencing, it is important to process what YOU are feeling.  

If you have concerns or uncomfortable feelings or are worried in any way, please validate those concerns, feelings, or worries.  They are protective and purposeful.  You may fear that your child is vulnerable to teasing or bullying.  Processing your stuff will allow you to be able to provide the encouragement and skills they need to handle any taunting or harassment. 

If you are freaking out, please freak out with another adult, be it a friend, a therapist, or a coach, not with your child.  Even if you are not freaking out, consider speaking with a therapist or coach if it would be helpful for you. 

I felt great empathy about my daughter’s experience in the hallways of her school because I had experienced the same thing.  I was happy my daughter could talk to me about it.  I didn’t know how to verbalize it to my parents and just thought that was how it was.  I also felt fearful that this would make my daughter a target for teasing or bullying.  Her knowledge of self-protecting practices – like imagining that she was in the center of a lotus flower that would close around her as she left the classroom to walk in the hall – was incredibly helpful. 

Consider it a part of your child’s uniqueness.  See it as a specialty rather than a weakness or something victimizing your child.  It is a part of your whole child who has many other characteristics, gifts, and strengths.  Practices, skills, and boundaries may be needed, and those can be learned. 

Guide your child to discover their power or authority around it.  They have influence on their nervous system and on their world.  They have agency. 

Amy mentioned the ritual of “claiming their room”.  Even if your child is not having spiritual experiences but fears someone under the bed, in the closet, or outside the window, have them claim their room.  It can be a formal ritual where they say, “I claim this room.  I have authority over my room.  No one is allowed here without my permission.  When I ask you to leave, you will leave.” 

Normalize it.  If you have had the experiences that they are having – even in a small way – share that.  If others in your family have, share that as well, just as Laura Lynne Jackson’s mother did.   

Seek out organizations that provide support.  Search online for information.  Your child is neither alone in their experiences nor an anomaly.  

Know the difference between secrecy and privacy.  Because of cultural biases or judgements from others, your child may not want to announce to the world that Aunt June who died a year ago visits them in their bedroom every night.  It is not because it is wrong or a secret.  It is private.  Secrets are a burden.  Privacy is a boundary.  Secrecy implies that something is shameful or to be hidden.  Privacy is about discernment and safety. 

Amy suggests having an “open door policy” at home where your child can talk about anything.  Privacy is observed everywhere else.  

Find teachers who can guide your child.  Is there a professional who is adept at handling what your child is experiencing or who works with young people with similar experiences?  Guidance from a skilled adult can assist your child in navigating their world with greater ease and confidence.  Knowing an adult who has a similar gift is incredibly validating.  Amy guides children to understand what is happening, to gain a sense of security, and to know how to shut it down until they are an adult.  She normalizes the experience for parents who many times are more alarmed than their child.  

You can apply these suggestions for any child who may feel “different from” the mainstream.  The goal is for your child to understand that it is okay to be themselves.  Every part of them is valuable and important.  To play small to fit in or to hide parts of oneself does them and the world a grave (no pun intended) disservice.